Callum's Colours

Dreams

My hands are still shaking by the time I've driven home.

As soon as I push open the front door and process the silent house the shaking stops. Instead, the shock is replaced by relief. The peace of the house calms me, so different to the shouting I had predicted.

It seems my father hasn't come home drunk. In fact, he must not be home at all.

That can only mean one thing.

I shake my head as the door creaks shut and ease my way up the stairs, cringing at each creak. When I reach the hallway my stomach aches as I pause outside my mum's room.

I can hear her sobs from inside. The sound is so devastating I almost push open the door to comfort her on impulse.

But I don't.

I know why she's crying, my father hasn't come home. And that can only mean that he's with another woman. My face scrunches at the thought.

Another wave of emotion almost swallows me but I decide I can't afford to let it take control.

If I comfort my mother, pretend this affair is real, I'm not sure how I will cope.

The damage his drinking has already done, an affair would tip us over the edge.

As I step away from her door and carry on walking, I can only feel shame. Even so, I know it feels better than accepting the truth.

Silently, I step into my room and dump my bag on the floor. I sit on the bed and stare at the ceiling, unsure of my next move.

For a few minutes, I just sit, exhausted but mind racing.

Every other second Ryan's face drifts into view. Every time I attempt to force it out. Nonetheless, his piercing eyes keep pestering my thoughts.

Ryan's smile, smirk, frown.

Every one of his emotions tears through my thoughts, shedding my sanity.

I place my head in my hands and massage my temples.

My eyes glaze over as the room blurs from tears.

The memories consume me, so cosy and safe in contrast to my confining room. I collapse onto the bed, finally laying down, despite still being completely dressed.

I realise how dark the room is, suddenly terrified of the lack of light. Fears from when I was younger return for the first time in years. Terrors that in the dark monsters would catch me, that father would hit me, someone would hurt me.

Stupid fears. But still fears.

I almost slap myself, almost laugh that I'm feeling scared about fears I haven't felt in over ten years.

I know Ryan would laugh.

That's when it finally settles in. Ryan is gone. Ryan isn't my friend anymore, and maybe he never was.

Ryan.

I pushed him away.

As soon as the realisation hits me I shake my head. He should not have tried to kiss me. It's not my fault.

I roll over, anxious but slowly growing more tired.

My eyes droop shut.

It must be almost the morning by now. No wonder it feels like every bone is on fire.

Turning to mush, my mind drifts, hallucinating.

An image appears in my mind, blurry but descriptive. Ryan Gold holding me in his arms, protecting his friend.

I'm not shocked when I realise that I like it. I like just the pretence that I'm safe, just the idea that I'm ok.

This time I don't push him away.

Authors Notes-
Thank you so much for reading, I love all feedback! I've recently started a poetry collection called "poetry for a cloudy day" so I would love you to check it out : )