Alone in love

James

Tuesday 22nd March, 2019

The truth is, I don't live a bad life.

Of course most of us don't, not that we choose to accept it. You see, for every 'slightly upset' middle-class teenager in Britain, there are about twenty African children who are starving, probably. But don't let that spoil what I am saying, because in reality I live a better life than probably three-quarters of the population, even if I feel as if I'm not.

Instead my life is a dull, uninspiring journey from A to B, for the moment at least. I have friends, who all like me, I play sport fairly uninspiringly, but when I do, I don't look like a tosser - a feat that is not matched by some of my friends and teammates-. My results are fine, good enough to get into university, but I have never learnt something I would consider 'easy'. I have been to a handful of parties, a currency they seems to be valued like gold bricks on the 'popularity' market, and I am alright looking, hardly model-esque but I certainty don't look like a virgin, although of course I am.

Overall, that puts my life in the 'fine' category. This shouldn't bother me as much as it does as I know people who look like extras from a 'Planet of the Apes' film, and people who pick up a cricket bat like they would do their knob after yet another disappointing, lonely wank. I know people who I struggle to believe are as stupid as they make out to be, and people who will probably not have sex until they are in their mid-twenties, when they eventually get fed up and buy an ugly hooker for the night. I like to thin I am not one of these people, for the moment at least.

And yet I have never felt like such a fucking loser in my entire life. Maybe it's because I'm a stroppy teenager, but that would be too simple. It's the kind of thing my mother would say, suggesting it's 'just a phase' in the sweetest, most innocent tone. I would respond saying something like 'yeah maybe', but in truth I would much rather tell her that she's wrong. My favourite, pessimistic theory on why my life has turned into a shit show recently is that I'm only just beginning to realise how awful the real world actually is. However on reflection, my theory is idealistic, thinking that all my problems are because of one stupid little statement. So on a Tuesday evening, shortly after I have begun college, I decided to have another think about why it might be. Of course over the next few years of my life I will think up many other reasons, but for the time being I settled on an idea that seemed to justify or at least suggest a reason for my depression.

Girls.

They are the nightmare of any rational teenage boy, they cause stress, and pain, and the worst thing of all, is that I've barely even spoken to any of them. They, unknowingly, innocently, are able to ruin a boy's perception of anything. It is not their fault obviously, but I can't deny that without them on the planet, my life would be a lot lot easier. More on them later.

Anyway, back to my childhood, as when I was younger, my mother (and father) always told me to be kind, and polite, to try and make friends and generally be a nice person. And because of this, I was able to make friends, all boys of course, but I was happy. This was primary school, from when I was 5 through to 11. Despite only half a dozen years passing, I have already convinced myself that those years have been  the simplest of my life so far, and most definitely the simplest in the future. Again, the topic of my early childhood is too vast and important to cover in paragraph or two, but it always serves as a reminder as to how simple and painless life can be, and how everyday shouldn't be.

Over the rest of these pages, there may be individual diary entries from specific dates, but are most likely to be random pages of nonsense, with some sort of plot line attached. What they will be on I do not know, but I will guess that it will be about whatever I am thinking about, or can be arsed to write about, if they helps you gain any idea.

Some of the entries will be events from the past, and some will be happening the day I wrote it, however all of them should hopefully allow me to explain my thoughts, in a way I can't by just simply talking so someone about it.