Alone in love

Girlfriends

Sunday 16th April, 2018

I had never really been friends with a girl before I started college. I describe it as a 'lack of common interests', as no girls want to talk about football, or cricket, or some poor lad who's been twatted by a car. I've always found it difficult to talk to people who don't share the same interests, obviously, but when all I want to talk about are the things mentioned above, no girls are going to run to me asking enthusiastically for a conversation. It doesn't help of course that I'm fairly socially awkward, or 'shy' as I like to put it, and I'm not good-looking enough to be classed as mysterious when I'm looking randomly across the room in English. This has meant that talking to and introducing myself to girls has felt as difficult as teaching Stevie Wonder how to drive. At least that would be slightly enjoyable though, amongst the moments of terror, just to hear ten seconds of 'For once in my life' from the man himself. The only things enjoyable about taking to girls I can imagine are them laughing at a joke you've made, or the pathway to sex. I'm yet to do either.

In my group, there are about five or six girls, though I end up usually talking to Hattie and Georgia if I'm not speaking with the guys. Hattie has been in a relationship for the last twelve months, and Georgia seems to have been in twelve different relationships in the same number of months, meaning I can usually relax when talking to them, knowing that they don't think I'm trying to hit on them whenever I see them. I don't mind talking to them, and they say that talking to someone of the opposite gender increase your confidence, so I'm happy as long as they are.

At Jake's party a few weeks ago, being slightly drunk, I found myself alone with Hattie outside, and we just began to talk.
'How'd you do it?' I had asked, tentatively, the alcohol helping me to ask without worrying about what I was really saying.
'Do what?'
'Dunno, just get people to like you I suppose.' I gulped another mouthful of the again disgusting beer. 'You have a boyfriend, everyone you speak to always likes you, in fact, there's probably not a bad word that has ever been said behind your back'
'Well...' she paused 'I guess just being confident, approachable you know?' I didn't.
'Yeah I guess. I just feel as though whenever I speak to someone, or try, they just think I'm weird, or unnatural.'
She glanced over, puzzled. 'Well fuck them then.' She said, breathing out. 'If you're making an effort, or you're trying to be nice, and they want nothing do with you, they're not the right ones anyway.'
'True' I accepted. She was right, fuck Eliza, and fuck anyone else who thinks I'm strange, all they do is drag me down anyway. 'Thanks Hat' I said, smiling politely.
'Anytime beautiful' she said, jokingly, winking at me. We lay back on the grass again, staring up at the stars. 'I mean, the way I see it, the world is fucking complicated' she kept looking upwards. 'There's not point trying to understand it, we might as well do the best with what we've got.' She smiled. 'All I want is to be happy. And the only way that's going to happen is if I surround myself with happy people'
'Shit' I breathed, the booze had turned Hattie into a philosopher. 'How many shots have you had?'
'Only six'
'Jesu-'
'Oh and I had some of Jake's dad's whiskey.'
'Right'
'And I may have pinched one of yer beers'
'Thieving fuck' I looked over at her staring jokingly, she just smiled back.
'You'll thank me for it layer' she winked
'I really fucking won't'

She was right though. I needed to be happy in life, and being happy didn't include sulking over some girl's rejection of me. I liked Hattie, but not in a 'girlfriendy' way, she had a boyfriend anyway. Talking to her felt like talking to any other boy I'd been friends with, it didn't matter that we didn't want a relationship, to kiss and to sleep together. We were just happy being friends, and being happy is all that is important to me right now. Being happy meant being around people like Hattie, not Eliza, and maybe it took a rejection to make me really realise this.