Actually A: Where Did You Hide Yourself?

Chameleon

I don't remember when I started noticing that I adapted to fit in with what other people liked, how they spoke, what they said, how they said it, how they acted. I remember in high school, I was on a band trip to New Orleans for the sugar bowl. While there, we had mixers with the other high school bands that were invited. I met a cute girl, who's name I have forgotten, she was from Alabama (I think). Anyway, we were talking while riding on a steamboat. We danced too. Anyway, I noticed after about half an hour, that I had unconsciously taken on her accent and mannerisms. Not to a large degree, but it happened. It had been probably something I had done my entire life.

I know now that this is a common trait among people with autism. Not sure if it is a defense mechanism so that we don't appear other, or if it is because autistic people are often hyper-empathetic. All I know is that I do it. I do it well and can switch between "personas" fairly quickly. I can go from talking with my friend Reggie, who was raised in a minority urban environment, to talking a school administrator where the language is generally slang free and influenced by academic speech patterns. Not that Reggie wasn't intelligent or that the school administrator was smart, I just knew that Reggie was more comfortable with the language patterns he grew up with and if I wanted to fit in, I would talk like him, act like him, think like him. Whereas the school administrator responded to a more intellectual speech pattern. So  I would morph into someone that spoke, acted, and thought like them.

I don't know if people ever noticed. I remember the girl in New Orleans said she hadn't noticed it when I stammered out an apology for shifting to her accent. Either way, it is something I notice doing even now. When I'm helping a patron, to interacting with my kids, or even my family, I change who I am.

There is a flip side to being a chameleon. I think a lot of people do this because it just happens. But in my case, it goes beyond just fitting in socially. For me, it involves adopting someone else's thoughts, their likes, their speech, their posture, everything. I have been doing it for so long that I actually don't know what I like or don't like. I don't always know what I think about certain things. Also, if I'm going out to dinner with someone, I probe them for what they are thinking about eating and then compare it with my sensory memories of the food there (or food similar if I haven't been to the particular restaurant). I will literally have no opinion unless I know it is something I won't eat (like raisins and green peppers...ick!).

I know this would drive my family crazy because I wouldn't ever make a decision. I would expect them to decide and I would then adopt their choice as my own. Occasionally, I would get the desire for something, but if nobody wanted it, I would be completely fine with changing.

So a couple examples. The other day, I went out with someone. They suggested Thai and I had a favorite place so I suggested it (this is how it works for me). Anyway, I always get Pad Thai with chicken. Always. Well, they decided to get something called Pad See Ew (or something like that). Anyway, I changed my order. I'd like to think it was because it sounded good (it did), but I know it was because that was what they had chosen. It was delicious, so it wasn't a bad choice. However, I noticed that as soon as they stopped eating, so did I. I was getting full, but could have eaten more. I didn't. They used chopsticks, so I did too. The only thing they tried that I suggested were the crab ragoons and the hot tea.

This happens all the time with me. My brain, is some weird fashion, thinks that mimicking people means that I'm fitting in. I know this is an autistic trait. People who are high functioning do this. I don't know about people who are lower functioning. Functioning in this case means how successfully we can interact with society and not a measure of intelligence or ability.

I will probably never know exactly which likes, speech patterns, thoughts, feelings, or desires are truly mine. I can't trust most of them as I have ingrained the chameleon aspects so much. The sense of self gets lost with all the changes. All I can do is try to recognize when I'm being a chameleon and when I'm not.