Actually A: Where Did You Hide Yourself?

It's not a Binary!

October 11, 2020, was National Coming Out Day. I didn't post anything because I didn't have the words. I also hadn't gotten the nerve to say anything. But let's rewind a few days. One of my favorite authors, Victoria Schwab, posted an article in Oprah Magazine. A link for her beautifully written article will appear at the end of this section. 

Anyway, I've known for a while, but never put it into words. For me, there isn't a binary for sexuality and gender. It's a spectrum. I'm not at either end. I'm somewhere in the middle. But to really understand this, we need to rewind further. We'll also need to peel away the masks that I built over the years to hide me from the world. Those things that insist I'm a cis-gendered, neurotypical, straight male.

To say I wasn't a normal kid would be an understatement. Obviously, with the undiagnosed autism, I didn't fit in what people expected, myself included. I had feelings without names. Found humor in what was probably considered weird things. I liked things that weren't what boys my age liked. I had my first crush in first grade. No, that isn't correct, my first crush was in Kindergarten. She was one of my teachers. Granted, I just thought she was pretty and liked interacting with her. My father, despite his many issues, would often joke that if I could have dated at 3, I would have.

This isn't a boast. It was just how I was.

I talk about all the crushes in my life as being female. However, that isn't really correct. I had a lot of crushes on males as well. Men/boys that I liked for a multitude of reasons. Be it their confidence, their athleticism, their looks, etc. I didn't identify them as such because I was raised that those things were wrong. And because I wanted to fit in, I hid that. Locked it away. But it was there. People noticed.

My sister mentioned a couple of years ago that she had to defend my sexuality to her friends. They kept insisting I was gay. At the time, I found it humorous and even assured her I was very definitely straight. I mean, that's what I'd been told by society.

But society isn't static. It's changed and continues to change. People started being more tolerant. The concept of gender identity and expression became a thing. People started talking about spectrums. I've changed. I've started accepting my "difference." I don't always know what I am, but I'm learning what I'm not. I'm not a binary. I'm not a static point between A and B. Male and Female. Straight and Gay. I'm a spectrum of color and sound. I'm me.

There's more to this story, but I'm just starting. I'm a work in progress.