Destined (Jerza Fanfiction)

Chapter Seventeen

Erza Scarlet~

"Je-jellal?" I cried out in disbelief.

I tried to let myself focus on the figure standing in front of me. It was him, right? I knew it.

And I was sure of it.

It felt like a fantasy but it felt so real, making me rub my eyes. Was I having another dream again?

I looked back at him and realized he smiled at me for a split second. Was he really there?

I blinked my eyes, I wanted to reach out for him. I wanted to hug him tightly even if this was just a dream. I just wanted to feel him again, to believe that he' would always be here. Right beside me, like he promised.

But the moment I looked at the place where he was standing earlier, he was gone. The only things that were left there was a picture of us and my table. Nothing else. There wasn't any person in there. There weren't anyone there.

I stopped in confusion.

What did just happen? Was I only hallucinating?

I needed to get a hold of myself. I had to stay firm. 

Maybe it was because of the exhaustion I had earlier. But I knew what I saw. I knew he was there- right there. Infront of me.

I knew he was there.

Or not.

I quickly stood up from my bed and directed to my window, which was wide open. Part of me was telling me to get out and find him, part of me was convincing me it wasn't even real.

I felt the cold night breeze coming inside of my room as I peered through the window and looked around. But there were no people anywhere. There wasn't any sign that he was there.

I suddenly felt a small pinch in my chest. Was I just missing him again? I thought I got over that. I thought I could just wait for him without being depressed about him being gone.

I happened to survive every single day without him since he was gone. I remained tough every day, just as what I should be. But in every single minute, my thought always drift towards him. But I always fought the urge to do something stupid in any case of finding him.

I would always end up worrying and wondering and hoping to see him again. But I promised myself to not be weak again.

However this time, I felt so weakand hopeless.

I gripped the window sill firmly. I gripped harder as I felt my heart break slowly. It seemed like everything was against me. It felt like the world never wanted to show me what happiness really was.

Whenever I felt joy, it was only for a split second. Fast enough to make me realize that I do not deserve it. I didn't deserve to be happy.

Not when he was not.

And it broke my heart.

Spending each day without him was like a torture. But I told myself to stay strong, to hang on those small strings of hope that made me feel better. And hurt.

The moon was still shining brightly, so as the stars. I found myself wondering why I had to go through all of this pain.

Why did it always have to be him.

I have already tried. I tried to forget everything. But I always end up being locked up in my past, where my feelings for him began to develop. And I always remember those times that he made me feel weak because he broke in through my inner self.

He became my weakness.

Remembering every single detail of us being together brought back the pain I've once forgot.

Before I knew it, tears started falling out of my eyes.

Why am I crying?

Every night, I was having that difficulty to sleep because I couldn't just stop caring about him. And right now, I forced myself to stop those tears. But I couldn't, it seemed like it wouldn't end.

It would never end, right?

On the other hand, I knew that letting it all out would make me feel better just like the last times I cried. At least that was what I thought.

But right now, it felt like everything was getting harder. Every single tear that came out of my eye brought tightness in my chest.

I felt so hopeless and helpless.

Right now, I was not the so called 'Titania'or the '100 monster-slayer' or the legendary swordslady of fairy tail. I was just simply being me. Being real.

Being Erza Scarlet.

And I didn't know that revealing your real self and being real to yourself is quite hurtful.

I didn't know that I was actually weak inside. I never wanted something like this to happen in my life. I just wanted to live a comfortable life. 

All the confidence I had in my entire life was gone. It felt like I would never be able to stand up again. Because I was hurt and tortured deep inside.

I thought that hoping he would come back would make everything easy. I was wrong.

As long as I was still having that 'hope' , it meant I was letting the pain strike me every second, every moment that the thought of him never going to make it back to me.

"Jellal.." I murmured his name between every sobs, imagining that he'd hear me, imagining he was here with me just like the times when we were kids.

He promised me he'll always be there even though I knew it was a lie.

But the problem was that I kept on believing that lie. And I was living with it.

I was too helpless, all I could ever do was speak out his name, waiting for a response that will never come.