WE HAVE NOT been the same, ever since our beloved daughter has passed. it's been around one year, and i feel like our relationship is crumbling to pieces, like a cliff side about to collapse.
our daughter, shaila, was an angel. i only held her in my arms for ten minutes, until her time was up. the doctors couldn't save her, no matter how hard they tried. her heart wasn't developed properly, which made it almost impossible for her to survive.
but those goddamn ten minutes, were the best ten minutes in my lifetime. i held my babygirl as she died, but also as she lived.
the time after however, was the most painful experience. after awaiting her arrival for so long, and she passed away after only being on earth for a short amount of time.
the heartbreak was too much for me to handle, especially alone. alone. david was in my life, but not available to help me. he wanted kids so badly, but when he didn't get his desire, he turned to drinking. each gulp he took washes away his memories from the birth. but i could never think of leaving david.
i wish david was there to comfort me. i still have my breakdowns but he doesn't notice. i need him by my side. i want to grieve with him, for we never have grieved together over our tough loss.
i needed help. but the only help i needed was from my husband. i started to believe that he only was thinking about his own feelings, instead of mine. my feelings, my own child, and i can't help but feel like it was my own fault.
i needed his soothing words to comfort me while i cried in his arms. but i knew that the only thing that would comfort me at the moment was my own arms wrapped around me or my blanket, shielding me from the feeling of guilt.
it's been a year since she has passed and we haven't actually talked about it because we both strongly feel the pain, even after all this time.
my bed has been where i spend most of my misery. david has been sleeping on the couch or in the guest bed. but once again, i am here in my bed, alone, softly whimpering of the loss of my child. i wrap my arms around my body, desperately hoping to feel comfort. my eyes grow with tears as i can no longer see, until i gently wipe them out of my face. i glance at the clock at my bedside.
2:47am.
i expect david to be at the bar, drinking his worries away and loosing the sadness. but i hear soft whimpers in her room. we never took down her room, for it was too much to bare. i slide myself off the sheets and make my way down the hall.
i arrive at her room and i spot david, he looks like me. a mess of a life. he places a teddy bear that we got at the hospital as soon as she was born, in a cardboard box. he glances up at me and we reach eye contact for the first time in a while. he looks at me in misery and a face of desperate aching.
i kneel down and pick up her blanket, and place it in her bin. he looks up at me with wonder and fear. i shyly smile.
"i-i'm sorry." he stutters. a tear slips out of my eye and lands on my lap. i nod, understanding. he reaches for my hand and helps me stand up with him. he embraces me into a long-lasting hug, and i instantly hug back.
"i'm such a fucking idiot for not thinking of you. i didn't think about how you were feeling. i didn't think of your time alone. i didn't think." he says, with his arms still wrapped around me tightly.
"i-i-i know." i stutter. i can't speak in this moment.
"i'm sorry for leaving you alone for many nights. i should have grieved with you. i should of held you. but instead i am a fucking idiot and i am just doing it a year later. i should have done it sooner." he mumbles the last sentence as he chocked of his words, forcing back a sob.
"let's just do it know. david- i need you to help me. i need you to help me grieve." david's eyes grow sad as he understands.
he sits down on the floor and holds his arms open for me to appear in. i do, and i lay my head in his chest. i softly cry for my beloved child that would be a year today.
"liza, let it out on me. i know how you feel. please do it." david says softly. i look up at him, questioning him.
"what?"
"please liza. give me what i deserve. i need to feel your pain to help you. show me what you felt for me." he says and he hold me tighter.
i gently pound my fist against his chest, not wanting to hurt him, even though he hurt me for 12 months.
"liza. fucking do it."
i smack my fist on his chest, pounding out the anger. i sob forcefully, but he still holds me. i shake in anger and fear, and too many emotions. i hit his chest repeatedly as hard as i can. every hit, thinking of the time he left me in my misery. i pound him and he winces, but praises me to keep going. i ball up his shirt in my hand and pull it towards me as i keep hitting him. i think of all the drinks that he drank. all the clubs. all the bars. everything except me. i hit him one final time, but he still holds me. i break down into tears and i rubs my back.
"liza i'm sorry."
"i'm sorry."
"what?"
"i'm sorry for loosing shaila." i say.
"what? it was definitely not your fault liza. she would have never made it anyways. she wasn't meant to be born." he says and i nod, knowing what he means. this was a lesson. a chapter in our life. a roadblock. an obstacle.
that we grew and overcame that night.
/welcome:)
this is a very touchy subject for my family as we lost my sister a few years ago.
please tell me how you feel about this.
this is for you madeline💛
rest in peace among the angels.
