swallow me whole; pjm

3 - renascentia

Renascentia (trans.)lat.: rebirth

I JUMP A little at the question. Do I love Park Jimin? Yes. But do I love this Jimin? This shadow of himself, this demon? I don't know. So that's what I tell Taehyung. That I don't know.

"You're scared, aren't you? That he isn't the guy he used to be," Taehyung assumes. He's right.

"I am. This new Jimin is... exciting, interesting, mysterious, but he's not my Jimin. He's not the boy I shared my first kiss with, he's not the guy Yoongi pushed down the stairs because he found him sleeping in my bed, he's not the man whose dead body I found in the bathtub one morning." "But how do you know that? You've barely been here. It's true that death changes people, I mean look at all your confidence. The same thing happened to all of us. But please try it. Even if just a little." I inhale sharply, because, again, I know Taehyung is right. If anything, death made this boy become wise.

•••

The next weeks all seem the same somehow. The group gathers for breakfast, dinner and supper, then disbands afterwards. Yoongi goes into his room, presumably to sleep. Taehyung plays the piano all day, sometimes I come to listen to him and we talk a bit. Namjoon hides out under the fake sunlight of the garden. Hoseok joins him after him and Jimin dance in the mornings. Jungkook reads and plays video games in his room. And Jimin seems to be dancing all day. He doesn't talk. Doesn't even acknowledge the existence of anyone around. Always just dancing, dancing, dancing. Once, I caught a glimpse of it, his body moving like fluid, seemingly light as a feather moving through the air. He didn't even need music, it seemed as though his body was creating the music for him, fast and loud and, sweet and slow. In that moment, he was just Park Jimin. The boy from Busan. Singer, dancer, first love, last love.

That evening I cried. And as I lay in bed, thinking about the way Jimin used to be I realized that even though he changed, he is still the same at heart. He still has the same memories, the same body language, the same way of talking. And I realized that I still love him. I love him, I love him, I love him .

•••

"Do you think you'll be able to commit a sin for us? In order to stay here?", Namjoon asks me one evening after supper. We walk down the marble stairs together and I think. Will I? I play with the thought in my head a bit. There are few sins a dead person can commit anyway. So I answer, "I will. I have to. I can't go back up there. I won't."

I want to stay with all of you. I just got you back. I want to stay with Jimin.

Those sentences, I leave unspoken.

"When Tae says that you should let Jimin take your wings, do you know what he means by that?", Namjoon demands and I stay quiet. "So you don't... Why do I always have to be the one to think things through for these boys," he complains with a sigh but then explains, "What Taehyung means is that Jimin and you can... commit a sin together. And that because it would be Jimin who would take your wings with your agreement, it will hurt you less." I keep quiet.

I'd gone through the Seven Deadly Sins before in my head and crossed out the ones I could not commit anymore. Pride, Greed, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Wrath and Sloth. Everything besides Wrath and Lust I had already crossed out.

"What was Taehyung's sin?", I inquire with confidence, but Namjoon's eyes darken when he hears the question. He answers anyway. "It was Pride. He took pride in his wings. And then they slowly began to turn black until his minions eventually came to take them from him. I don't think I'd ever seen Yoongi cry before, but he cried watching them take Tae's wings with force. After it happened he isolated himself for a month and didn't speak to anyone. He doesn't want that to happen to you. That's why he looked for ways to make you fall without pain. And when he found out you being with Jimin was a way, he told him... but well, Jimin didn't like the idea much. Which, I suppose, is the reason why he hasn't talked to you in weeks."