swallow me whole; pjm

4 - facilis descensus averno

Facilis Descensus Averno (trans.)lat.: the descent to hell is easy

THE LAST TIME we stood at the gates of hell, I thought I was more human than any of the demons who stood before me. This time, I know better.

Jimin stands beside me clad in his black suit. He's left the hat at home today, if only because I told him to. The hat makes it look too much like he's on official business. And this is not official business – it's personal.

The others feel uneasy around us like they're scared of what's to come. You can almost feel the turmoil that are Namjoon's thoughts right now. Even I don't know what to expect. There are still so many unanswered questions that hang in the air. Why was falling so easy for me? How did I not die – cease to exist? Why were Jimin and I granted the privilege of love?

Certainly, we hadn't moved the devil in any way. So why? Or was it simply the way that hell really worked? Do whatever you want as long as you keep up with your duties...? I don't want to question it any further. It is good the way it is.

At first, I'd hated myself for succumbing to sin so easily. As though I'd never been a creature of the light. But I knew I belonged in the darkness, I'd known it all along. And I gave in to the wanting once again. It was marvellous. To feel that kind of love, that kind of emotion, again. To be able to love Jimin again.

I hope Jin will feel the same. I hope he will let himself be loved. But I don't know him anymore at this point. We are all shadows of ourselves, him most of all. I don't even know if he will come. If he will make the descent into hell. He's been here before but he's not crossed the line. Not once. He's always just watched with curious, longing eyes. With an expression of want. But also an expression of regret, of knowing wrong from right. And he did not cross the line. But today would be the day.

I felt it in the air the minute I woke up. I had shaken Jimin awake beside me and told him. We'd rushed downstairs to tell the others. Incidentally, they had all already gathered in the kitchen. Because Taehyung had felt it, too. We both just knew it was coming. But now I wasn't so sure anymore. We'd been waiting for what felt like hours already. Yet, Jin still hadn't shown up. At some point, I grab Jimin's hand for comfort.

Maybe it'd just been a decision Jin had made for a split second and then decided against it. But Taehyung still looks confident. So I don't think about it. Then suddenly, there is a flash of light—an angel descending, I know now—and I can't help but smile.

When Jin steps out behind the smoke, he looks just like I remember him. But there's still an uncertainty in the way he looks at the floor in front of him. He takes a step, then waits. We all hold our breath. Namjoon clenches his fist, then unclenches it when Jin takes that final step over the border. I sigh in relief and look at Jimin, hopeful. He smiles back and we turn to look at Jin.

"I'm sorry I took so long, you guys," Jin finally apologizes, his lips are pressed together in a thin line.

Namjoon takes a step forward. They stare at each other wordlessly. For a moment, I think Namjoon might snap at him again. He doesn't. Instead, he says, "Took you long enough," and embraces Jin in a hug that looks almost too tight to be comfortable. Jin's hands rest at his sides at first but slowly they raise and eventually rest on Namjoon's back.

It's a sight to behold after all the time our little family had spent torn apart between worlds. Jimin reaches out to me again, giving my hand another reassuring squeeze. My doubts had been vanquished quicker than I thought they would be.

After my fall, Jimin had spent countless hours and days trying to make it better somehow, to make it feel like I was alive again. For the most part, he succeeded—his mere touch enough to have me holding on for dear life. But between even the slow and loving and desperate moments we shared there was always something in the back of my mind calling out to me, like whatever I'd done wasn't over yet. The moment Jin stepped over the border that feeling changed. The house felt brighter again, as though illusions weren't needed anymore—we would be fine without them now.