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He follows her, and I'm left with nowhere to go. I don't even know what it is, why he isn't able to change his path? Is there something wrong with me? Or am I just blind? My mind switches between new pressing thoughts such as these as I sit silently. And her, with so much and maybe even him. I don't even know him and I want him and I try not to cry out as I sit alone in a room of deteriorating minds. I am stepping on eggshells as I feel this beside them all. My mind is a treacherous place. Beautiful and complex and just plain stupid. Am I being dramatic? All of this is only a juvenile pain in a world where we all are dying. But it's only a thought. Only a feeling. I was taught to feel and think and cry on the inside. I can't show them. I can only let everything out using my fingers and my silence. I am hanging on a single thread, being torn apart but trying to hold on all the same. Why? Why do I hold on? Because letting go is too complex and too dangerous and way too frightening. My hopeless attempt to be like the rest is excruciating. I can't hold on but if I don't they'll never heal. We are all hanging my a thread. And all it is is fear. Fear is my only hope.But these aren't my feelings. These belong to the world. These belong to the little girl who's life is falling apart around her and the only thing holding her up is the fear of the end. These belong to the teenager on the bus who's father is obsessed with the wrong things, and never thinks to feel. These belong to the world around me. These aren't my feelings.
There's the other one. I can't say what because that will be a lie. It isn't right. It isn't me. It's all of the others trying to shape me.
But it is.
And it's her.
The one with the milk chocolate hair and the ear piercings and the talent and the passion and the beauty and the intelligence and the books and the dreams and the problems and the fears and the love and the girlfriend. The one that I can't have and the thought breaks me down every single day and when I say it out loud it only partly escapes and I have to bend and staple her until it isn't her anymore it's them. Or maybe even him. But she isn't him. I don't want him.
Yes I do.
I have to.
If I let her out I would need to let go of everything and come back with nothing because of the name I don't remember. She's beautiful. She takes her and makes her into something that makes me want to scream but I sew on a smile because that's what we were told to do.
So I'll go for him.
He doesn't want me. He wants her and her and her and her but not me. Never me. He never knew but I saw it this way before. I saw it but I looked away because she said to. She told me that he was gross and dumb and that's what I was told to know. It might not have been the truth but the truth is just another path. The right path but nothing is right anymore. Maybe she's wrong but she has to be right because that's who I follow and that's who I need. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if that all had more of a choice. I know that I wouldn't be alone, but the fact that I wouldn't be shows how alone I really am right now.
And they all say that if I would just take the time to stand out more and be better that then I would have someone beside me. But I have someone. They just don't go beside me.
But it isn't just her.
There's him, I guess.
He's alright, and nice sometimes and sort of funny. He's quiet and hurting on the inside. But that was ruined and bent and torn apart in the past. Maybe I just want him because of everything he sent my way. Or maybe it was just so that I would have someone. But now I have no one and I'm stuck with the backlash. It's coming to an end but maybe I should start it again.
Maybe I want him.
But these are not real. These are not problems. These are not the weights around my ankles that pull me down day after day after day and now there's one more. There's the very last one. The very last one that I can never never ever have ever. The most angelic complicated enticing and infuriating madness. Like a forbidden fruit that is the most dangerous exciting risk that I am not willing to take. They won't want me because they aren't into that and then I can finally let go but I can't so I won't. But i feel it. I feel the thing that isn't there but might be and it is the most amazing and terrifying feeling and I love it. I love it all and I need it all but I'll never have it.
But it's fine.
These are only thoughts.