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What is love anyway? How do I know when I finally find it? Do I need to have butterflies in my stomach when I see him? Do I need to love his face and soul and heart until I ache? Do I need to love him?
I can't back away now. Words are binding, of course. If I had a choice, I wouldn't love at all, if this is all it is.
Maybe I just don't know all of him yet, but by the time I do, he'll be bored of me. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that I can be so enticing. How long has it been and I didn't even know? And why is it that when I didn't have him, I wanted him, and now that I do, I don't?
But I do love.
So he has this friend- and maybe I'm just running after everything I can't have- but he has a friend, and I do love him.
What did he mean?
I love me. I know me. She knows me. He knows me. I got the message if it was there in the first place. But will the feeling just go like it did for his friend? What if I just keep searching and gaining and searching and loving until I am lost? What if my only real love is across the line?
If they were, I'd know who.
She's there.
She's waiting.
But what if she's the one that I don't manage to catch? What if I am left alone on the line but am never actually able to cross it? What if the world pulls me down if I ever do manage?
But I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.
There's still the first one. Or the last one? When did he ever get here? He was always there, but he was always taken. Now that he could be mine, he seems like just another mistake. How am I supposed to get past the meaningless conversations?
Before, he belonged to someone else, and now she is throwing bittersweet words back at me for something that I can't control. She says she's fine. But I know she's not. The two of them are just hiding in they're cloaks and being broken together. If they would just reach out, maybe I could help. But I can sense their pain. They try to hide it but I can see through their shadows. If only they told me.
I get it all. I know what they feel. I may seem like some stuck up blow off but I really do. It's not hard. I'm human, they are all human. We are all the same. We are all connected. Why don't we all just reach out? We get it.
Tearing and gluing and stapling and folding is hard. But it isn't true. I am myself along with all the others. And now I've fallen into the dark place where no one will understand.
That's fine. I don't care.
I just need to end it.
He does, and he does, and he does, and I try to look away but I know that they do. Why can't I just cross the line?
Be extraordinary?
Be true.
And then I wonder what it could be like if I did. If I let myself love. If I broke free from these chains and found her and gave my heart to her.
She wouldn't.
I am so small.
To whoever is reading this, I really really am happy. I love myself. I truly do.
I just wish that...
