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Uncomfortable silences. Stuttering. Fidgeting. Mumbling. Shuffling. Nervous Laughter.
Jesus Christ, get it together.
I don't know if it's him, or his kind, or maybe it's just me.
It isn't just me though, I know that.
Everyone's on my side now. And I have everything I need. I just need to drop him or keep going.
But the things I've said and the ways I've acted aren't contributing to these feelings. And the truth is, I don't really have any yet. I don't have a concrete thought to guide me. I don't have a decision to act upon. I'm just floating somewhere between lust and disgust. And when I look towards another, I feel the same way that I did before.
But I have nothing to work with.
Love isn't just talking to someone with a nice face. It's spending time with someone with a nice soul. His is just plain crap. Or is it? I don't know. There might be something hiding behind that dull, awkward, and very sweet mask. But if he's working as little as I am, I'm not sure if he'll be happy with what he finds. I know who I am. I know what I want. And so far, I haven't found it at all in this person. I need to leave but I don't want to. I promised myself that I will get something out of all this.
It's only practice.
And then after the summer we can both come back and...
He'll be looking for an answer. The trail is over and now it's the beginning of big things. And I am not ready for any of it. At least not for him. I see what I want in so many others but I need to be careful. No more hidden words. No more secrets. No more tricks.
At the end of the day, I forget that all I am is a person.
I see everything that is under the surface of such simple people. At least I think I do.
I'm just naive.
But the words are slipping out from under the shield. The place where only I can uncover what they really are. And I am afraid that someone will find what I'm trying to
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