Gangsters Don't Cry: Edgar X Muffet

Terrorists at a Tea Party

Edgar growled, trying to drown out Charley and Barley's fighting with some music. He was having a really bad day. The spider accidentally tripped the alarm in the bank they were robbing. After an unpleasant pursuit from the police, the gang drove around town trying to find a way to spend their money. Something caught Edgar's eye: a sign in a pastry shop which read, "All proceeds go to spiders."

Charley followed his gaze for a brief moment. "How about there?" he asked. Barley huffed, "Are you kiddin' me?! Why on earth would I waste hard-earned cash on a $20 doughnut?!" Edgar pulled in anyway, mostly because he wanted to stretch out a little and because he was getting hungry. The Butcher Gang jumped out of their van and strolled across the parking lot to Muffet's Bakery.

The sweet aroma of cake and coffee wafted through the air. One thing Edgar noticed right away was the fact that there were at least half a dozen cobwebs everywhere. "Huh," Charley said. "This girl must really like spiders, eh Ed?" With that he bumped Edgar with his shoulder, winking. The spider snarled at him. Barley ran up to the front counter and rung the bell sitting there.

Suddenly, he screamed and fell backwards on his rump. A large female spider was there, wearing some bows on each side of her head, with a cute little outfit to match. Edgar backed behind Charley, nervously peeking out at her. "Oops, I'm sorry! Did I scare you?" she asked. "Huehuehue~! Terribly sorry, sir!" Charley stepped up, helping Barley to his feet. "I'm Muffet! How may I help you?"

Edgar carefully and slowly crept up to his buddies, staring at her face. Muffet noticed him and he backed off some again. Charley and Barley introduced themselves, then told her what they wanted. Edgar bashfully asked for a few doughnuts with some tea. He hated the fact that he was blushing: if it wasn't obvious to Muffet, it almost certainly was for his friends. Unfortunately, they couldn't take their meal on the road with them, so they had to sit down at one of the tables.

Barley shook his head in disgust. "This place gives me the creeps...no offense, Ed." Charley slurped down his tea noisily, then replied, "You should've seen the look on your face, dude! Priceless!" Edgar sheepishly looked in the direction of the counter again. Muffet was cleaning up a bit, a few smaller spiders crawling over her arms. He couldn't help it. She was pretty and cute, and so...creepy.

Edgar bit his tongue, then turned back to his friends. They both stared at him, then smiled mischievously. "Ohhhh no..." Charley giggled. "This is too good to be true! You like her!" Edgar growled quietly, "No I don't! Knock it off, will ya?" Barley shook his head, punching the spider's shoulder. "Aw, c'mon, Eddie. Just go up to her and talk a little!" he mused. "What's the worst that can happen? Well...actually, now that I think about it, she'd probably make love to you, then bite your head off-" Charley slapped Barley across the face, making the sailor's hat fly off. "You're not helping, jackass!" Edgar lay down on the table, covering himself with his arms. "Guys, not here! Not now!"
But the two gang members started fist-fighting, throwing each other into the tables and tossing chairs. Muffet gasped in surprise, ducking as a plate whizzed by and shattered across the wall behind her. Barley picked up Charley, who was kicking and squirming, and swung him over his shoulder into the floor. In retaliation, the chimp grabbed the sailor's foot, knocking him down to continue wrestling on the ground.

They rolled around grumbling; in the process they toppled over some stands containing porcelain cups and plates. Muffet whimpered in horror, "Stop! Get out of here!" Edgar stood atop his chair and screamed, "ENOUGH!!!" Barley and Charley froze in midair, fists raised.

"Look what you've done..." Muffet sobbed, falling to her knees, picking up shards out of tea puddles. Edgar glared at his friends, hissing loudly. "We'll be in the van if you need us," Charley muttered, dragging Barley by the ear outside. Edgar turned to Muffet, who just sat there, tears streaming down her face. He sat next to her, handing her a tissue. "I'm really sorry about that. We'll pay it all off, I promise!" he said.

Muffet dabbed her eyes, than sniffled. "R-really?" she whined. Edgar nodded. "Yeah, yeah sure! Be right back!" He ran outside and opened the back doors of the van up. The others watched in disbelief as he grabbed fistfuls of cash from the loot bags. "What do you think you're doing?!" Barley shouted, getting red in the face. Edgar sneered, "Paying off the $1200 worth of damage you Einsteins just made!" The spider slammed the door and ran back inside.

"Here, this should cover it. Once again, I'm so sorry..." he said. Muffet looked bewildered, counting the money over and over again. "I...I don't know what to say," she whispered. "Except maybe...thank you." Edgar grunted, "Yeah, don't worry bout it." He got up to leave, then turned and said, "Name's Edgar by the way." Muffet smiled. "It was nice to meet you. Come back alone next time, perhaps?"

Edgar grinned. "Heh, sure thing Little Miss Muffet." He winked and left. The spider climbed in the backseat of the van, letting Charley drive for now. "She okay?" he asked, looking a little ashamed. Edgar nodded, "Yeah, but she don't want you fellas to come around here anymore." Barley crossed his arms. "Brilliant! Permanently kicked out of the one restaurant we can go to without being turned in!" he grumbled. Charley glared at him through the rear view mirror. "Hey, in case you missed it, you're the moron who provoked me and started the whole damn thing! You didn't even want to go there!"

More fighting. Whatever, Edgar thought, putting his headphones on and cranking up the volume, a smile on his face. Score.