mydol | bts

4th april

The days passed and as everything in my life became more and more stressful, I found myself consoling my daily problems to what ever member video called me on mydol.

There was something therapeutic about it, they just sat there and listened quietly while you talked about whatever was on your mind. Of course I was aware that it was nowhere near real, but I didn't let that get to me. Just the feeling that I was in their presence made me happy, and that was all I needed at the time.

All the problems in my life seemed to come rushing at me all at once. My rent was overdue, my hourly wage was reduced, and then all of the little things seemed to collate to this massive catastrophe.

But I didn't let it get to me too much. I just listened to music, did some drawing, watched a movie - anything that would keep my mind occupied.

Amidst my deep thinking, my phone began ringing.

"Hello?" I answered, groggy from the lack of sleep I was getting.

"Soomi! I have some amazing news" Eunha shouted down the line, ecstatic by something.

"Go on.." I replied, partially nervous and partially excited.

"I bought a house! I finally got a house!" She buzzed.

"Oh my god, Eunha, that's - that's amazing!" I stuttered.

"I know! Ahh!" She replied, squealing.

"Where is it?" I asked, smiling.

"It's in Daegu!"

My heart just crumbled in my chest.

"D-Daegu? Isn't that like two hours on the train?"

"Yeah I know it's far, but Soomi it's so perfect! You will have to come see it one day!"

Yeah, one day.

"I'm so happy for you! When are you moving?"

A long, sullen silence followed.

"Eunha?"

"I've already left" she mumbled.

"I-I-oh" I stumbled over my words.

"I'm sorry for being so-"

"It's okay" I replied.

Lie.

"I'm happy for you"

Lie.

"I'll visit you soon"

Lie.

"Seeya, Eunha"

As soon as the phone call ended, the tears that had been building up in my eyes finally poured down my cheeks in an everlasting cascade.

It's always me. It always has been, and always will be.

I'm the girl with all the problems.

19th november, 2014

"Soomi, are you coming round after school?" Hyebin asked, twirling her pencil around her fingers.

"-no?" I replied, confused.

"You forgot, didn't you?"

"Forgot what?"

"The party"

I sighed, disappointed at myself.

"Look, I'm really so-"

"Forget it. We do everything for you and ask for so little in return. But we never get it back. It's not fair, Soomi. It's really not fair"

I tried to muster a reply, but my vocal chords couldn't string syllables together. I just stood there, my mouth wide open and tears welling in my eyes. Hyebin turned and left, just like everyone in my life.

After that day, I shut myself off from everyone. I'm no good. All I do is cause problems.

"Soomi, do you want to come shopping with us after school?" Soyoung asked.

"Why are you including me in your conversations? I know none of you like me. Quit being two-faced" I replied.

I wasn't being mean just because I could. I was pushing them away so they wouldn't get hurt when I let them down.

And as I delved deeper and deeper into complete solitude, the rumours came chasing after.

"I heard she threatened Hyebin"

"She told Soyoung to fuck off"

Just like always, they never heard both sides of the story.

Because I wasn't worthy of their acknowledgement.

Because I was nothing to them.

Nothing to anyone.

Present day

I was staring at my wall, blinking heavily as the tears dried on my cheeks. I felt empty. Like Eunha's news had just driven everything out of me, and I was now just an empty carcass of a human being.

I picked up my phone and opened the Mydol app. I clicked 'video call' and waited for the video to load.

Taehyung.

"Ah, Taehyung" I mumbled. "My life is so bad right now. My best friend moved away without even telling me, I'm two months overdue with my rent and my wages have been reduced. Why does this have to happen to me? I'm always the girl with the problems. I've lost everyone close to me. My family are in New Zealand, and I'm in Seoul. Why is it always me?"

Meanwhile Taehyung was talking about something. I didn't catch what he said, apart from the last sentence.

"But I know everything will be okay"