Drawing the Line

Chapter 4: Hard Truths

I can't believe it's merely a handful of days before I move to New York. It's only been a few short weeks since the LAHSA event, but I've had to face some hard truths since then. The first one, which didn't come as much of a surprise, is that I am still hopelessly, irrevocably, and unexplainably in love with one James Perter Maxwell Dornan. And it pisses me the hell off. God knows I have tried to shove him out of my heart and that stubborn Irish ass just.won't.leave.

When he left LAHSA, I swear to God that a piece of my soul walked out with him. I felt it to my core. I hated that he was hurting, but I quickly remembered that I was hurting more. I'm his for the taking. And he didn't do it. He has only himself to blame at this point and I need to shut down my feelings as best I can and move on.

Adam and I flew back to Vancouver immediately after the event and I tried to kick myself into gear in the limo on the way to the airport. There he was, drop dead gorgeous, sexy as hell, smelling like something you want to wrap up in, and holding my hand gently as he watched the passing scenery. I threw caution to the wind, climbed into his lap, took his face in my hands and planted my lips on his. He wrapped his arms around my hips and returned my kiss, but didn't push. He let me lead, and dammit I tried. I opened my mouth, I caressed his tongue with mine, I pressed myself as closely to him as I could. He was good. Really good. Man has some impressive lips – soft, yet firm - and he knows his way around a mouth. He doled out a perfect blend of sucking, nibbling, caressing...and yet, I.Felt.Nothing. Not a damn thing.

I pulled back with a groan and threw myself into the seat across from him. I ran my hands over my mouth as if to scrub away the sensation and felt the angry tears start to flow. "God damn his Irish ass to hell and back. WHY?!? You are fucking PERFECT, perfect I tell you. Any sane straight woman would have you naked by now. Why can't I feel anything? What's wrong with me?"

I slide quickly down a shame spiral and shake my head miserably, "Oh my god, Adam. I'm so sorry. I really don't have an excuse. You've been nothing but wonderful to me and you don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm truly sorry."

He smiles gently and leans over to take my hands in his, "Hey. Stop. There is nothing wrong with you. You gave your heart away and you never got it back. You just figured that out. I recognize the 27 Dresses move."

I snort, "How do you know 27 Dresses?"

He rolls his eyes, "I'm in the business, I have a sister, and I used to have a girlfriend who was addicted to chick flicks. You needed to try with someone else. I'm happy you chose me. I could have told you that you're not ready, but you had to figure it out for yourself."

I sigh as I squeeze his hands, "You really are too perfect. You remind me so much of my best friend, Blake – but a straight Blake."

"I'm honored to be your straight Blake." He pulls me back to sit next to him, wrapping one arm around my shoulders and holding my hands with one of his. "Listen, I'm here to be your friend. I'll be a shoulder you can lean on. I'll be a rational male point of view, and I'll kick your ass when you need it. I want to support you through this. I have no misconceptions of where this is going."

My eyes meet his, "Why? Why would you do this? You should be out there looking for your next heartbreak."

He shrugs, "Not ready to go looking. If something is meant to be, it'll find me."

"But you found me. Maybe you're more ready than you think."

He kisses my forehead gently, "You're the exception. And imminently lovable. The minute you stepped foot in that coffee shop I knew you were meant for me."

I stiffen and start to pull away, "Just wait a minute. Let me finish. Yes, initially, I thought you were my next great love. Not to get all heavy on you, but I believe God puts people in your life for a reason. I think he put me in your life for a reason and he put you in mine. I quickly figured out the reason was not romantic and I'm A-OK with that. I think we're destined to be great friends, and while Jamie may not believe it, I think part of my role in this whole little scenario is to keep you safe for him – to keep you from making some big mistake with a schmuck who would happily let you. I'm not that guy."