A public diary. started: 2.12.18

Im about to let it all out

I feel like I have a small support group. I'm eighteen and I'm getting ridiculed for what I wear to school everyday I go and it seems like it doesn't bother me but it does. My parents don't even want to support me they feel forced that they have to go to my concerts and performances. When I got accepted into my university I felt like I had accomplished something in a long time and I should be proud of that but instead I got told by my mom that she was surprised that I could even get into a college. That eats away at me everyday and they ask me why I want to move out. I couldn't quit band the one thing I dread about school which I don't even feel like going to anymore because it's all pointless to me but I can push through it I'll be okay I'm sure.
To the people telling me how to run my relationship (I understand they have the best interest for me) leave me be, I'm happy, I can't function without him. I think of Aaron and I'm happy I feel like he's truly the only one who cares about me because my parents can't even do one simple thing and ask me how my day went or anything along those lines I know he's there. I feel so pushed away from everyone and I have one person to help me keep my head straight. It feels so pointless to go to school now. I'm so fed up with everything. My parents especially if you couldn't tell. They jump to conclusions like most people and when I tell them the truth I'm told I'm stupid and untrustworthy. Honestly I'd rather be homeless then live here right now I feel like they are just saying that they don't want me to move out so I don't be homeless. I'm also starting not to care about anything or anyone again. Because everything comes back to bite me in the butt. I'm not a religious person but nights when I'm by myself I pray.. I just hope for a good life because I feel so worthless. I feel like everyones luggage they carry around when I'm sad. I can't even get a job and I don't know why. I'm specific on where I want to work I'm not lowering my standards to McDonald's. I'm honestly just scared for my future and I'm just going to live day by day now.
No ones ever seen me hit myself but it's pretty bad. I've got a giant bruise that just developed on my thigh that my boyfriend luckily didn't see but it's okay I'm working on it. I haven't been drawn to do it with little things only things that I either fear or have been holding in. Sometimes I go to bed hoping I won't wake up. I always feel like a waist of space to everyone. I wish I could type literally everything ok my mind but there's too much self hate. Guard is my only escape from all of it. Every time I pick up some equipment everything goes away I love it. It's truly the best feeling. I've also learned that arguments are not worth it with anyone. I just want to stop all these feelings I have and just be genuinely happy. I hate when people put words in my mouth it's the most annoying thing. I just speak the truth and I just get told to shut up. I don't want or need help I just know I need something.