Flights of Fancy

I slammed the door shut, pressing my back against the door, my hand on my chest as I tried to calm my heavy breathing. My lips were wet, still tingling from moments ago, my face still hot as my brain tried to process what she'd done. It'd all happened so suddenly. I hadn't even seen it coming...

I took a deep breath, urging myself to keep calm, but it was impossible, I couldn't stop my beating heart, or my breathing, or anything right now. I couldn't even believe that this had happened; I'd expected to end up on my knees, begging her for forgiveness for my stupidity, my airheaded thoughtlessness, for running off earlier and leaving her alone all day while I completed the work the Savior had set out for me, for having such lofty ideas like her wanting me around, like telling her how I felt and thought.

Part of me still expected it, for her to knock on my door and berate me, slap me for acting this way, or for the Savior to look into my face and know my thoughts without me even opening my mouth to tell her, to then berate me for not focusing on my work, for ignoring my greater purpose and instead indulging my flights of fancy. I definitely deserved either treatment, the logical part of me knew this all too well that I'd be back to doing my work soon, the way the Savior intended for me on my path. But right now, I wanted to embrace this dizzying feeling deep in my chest, so unfamiliar and yet so inviting, to pretend for a moment that I deserved this, even though I knew the bleak truth already.

I pressed my fingers to my lips. She'd kissed me. She'd kissed me, even though I was such a tearful child in front of her, desperate to run away again, knowing my unworthiness all too well. She had to know it too, and yet she'd kissed me!

She wasn't an ordinary woman. I'd known this from the start, when the Savior had given me the arduous but rewarding task of sorting out candidates for our "app tester" job. On the outside, while she was pretty, she didn't look especially unique. She had a low-paying retail job at a local store, she lived on her own and away from her family, her outfits were cheap, mostly from second-hand places and she rarely went out to meet people, asides from her best friend and the occasional unsuccessful date.

I'd chosen her because she looked normal, yet there was something in how she spoke with her friends on social media and reassured them during their troubles, in how she fed and cared for the stray cats that lived near her solitary, run-down apartment, in how she offered money to any homeless person sitting with a cup or hat for change, even though I knew from her bank account statement that she couldn't really afford it. She even volunteered on weekends at a local homeless shelter, handing out batches of hot soup to feed those that needed it most, changing bedsheets and mopping floors, even though I knew the amount of money it cost for her to get the subway train from her apartment block to the shelter proper wasn't cheap.

This girl was kind for the sake of being kind, she didn't want nor need anything back from these people, she was just so willing to give both time and money to make others happy. She could've spent the money she gave on herself, to improve her own life, but the most she spent on herself was on plushies and apps for her phone. The only thing she seemed to need in return from those she helped, the only thing she needed to put that sweet smile on her face, was a thank you.

A girl like this would melt the hearts of everyone within the RFA, save for two obvious exceptions, though perhaps even those two would let their guard down around such an innocent, good-natured girl. They'd never suspect her real purpose. She'd already melted my heart the moment we'd met, but I kept it to myself even as I gave her everything Magenta had to offer – I just wanted her to finally be rewarded for her efforts to shine in a cruel world full of devils.

And yet she grew so interested in me so quickly! She was always there the second I was online, ready to talk to me, excited to speak to me, to ask for my advice. She'd even flirted a little, but I'd not believed it at the time, thinking that she wasn't really interested, that it was just her way of being playful, of joking around and teasing me, so I flirted back, even though I thought she'd laugh at me for it. I didn't mind that idea so much, even as my heart fluttered at every compliment. At least it meant she wanted to have fun with me, to joke around like I was an ordinary person, as if I lacked darkness the same way she did. (But then, I suppose she wouldn't know that about me yet.)

But that kiss, that kiss that still lingered on my lips proved me wrong. She liked me, right? That's what a kiss meant, didn't it? Even though that kiss was given to someone like me, that meant she liked me back, not that she pitied me or hated me. That's what it always meant in stories, and that's what it meant at the church too. That's why they always kissed at the altar at the end of a wedding, after all.

I thought back to my time at the church, of that peaceful time where I helped out with the church garden and went to school. Back then, I also enjoyed reading. Even though I didn't like to think of him now, V was the one that had introduced me to the local library and got me my very own library card. Excited at the power I held in my hand, I took out books every week, determined to catch up on what I'd missed before.

Some were educational, like science books and math puzzles that I'd spend hours solving, but I chose stories too. As well as modern stories like Harry Potter, I picked up classic fairy tales too. I'd heard a few from when Sa-- when books were snuck into the old house, but now I realised there were far more than the ones I'd read then. So naturally, I read as many as I can, avoiding tales about twins – I didn't want to cry – but reading everything else I could get my hands on in the library.

One story that stood out was the tale of Beauty and the Beast, of how a girl with a kind heart called Beauty chose to live with a hideous beast that lived in a lavish castle as compensation for her father's crime of picking the Beast's most prized rose. Even though the Beast treated her as mistress of the castle, she still missed her family and eventually asked him to let her see them. He let her do so as long as she returned after a week, but her jealous sisters tricked her to staying for longer, breaking the Beast's heart. Beauty returned after seeing him in such a state in her mirror, and wept upon seeing his body, declaring her love and breaking the spell upon him, turning him into a man. Years after reading it, I still remembered the tale well, the simple tale capturing my mind, taking up a small space there where it wouldn't leave.

Kisses, tears and declarations of love always broke the spell, always made things right in stories. Sleeping Beauty and Snow White were the same too, where a prince had to rescue the princess with a kiss, and I knew there were even more tales like that out there, perhaps some I hadn't even read. I knew well the difference between fantasy and reality, that such power behind a kiss was fiction, and yet...

I glanced down at my hands, taking off my gloves to examine them thoroughly, then over at my reflection at a nearby mirror. No, I hadn't transformed into anything new like in the fairy tale, and yet, as I approached the mirror and looked at my thin face, there was something different about how I looked. Was it the flush in my cheeks, the light in my eyes? Or maybe it was this little smile I couldn't suppress, no matter how hard I tried?

Maybe it was.

...The smile would go away soon, and the darkness would return. That much I knew, but right now, I wanted to embrace the fluttering in my heart, to enjoy this little ray of light in my life, even if it'd be snuffed out within the hour. Whatever came next would have to wait.