One of us - Nichorello

9. Drowning

<Nicky's POV>

I have driven to Vause's house over a thousand times, but never did the drive take so long. Nobody was speaking since Vause and Piper both passed out as soon as we got into the car. The darkness surrounding us seemed to get darker the further we drove, making me more and more anxious. I wasn't sure whether Lorna felt this uncomfortable too. It wasn't the silence that made this drive so unbearable, it was the tension between the two of us.

I was still mad at her for showing up with Christopher and she was mad at me for making out with that chick. I was about to break the silence but closed my mouth since I for once was not sure what to say. People would describe me as a rather extroverted person, always flirting with girls, knowing the right words to say. But exactly this, what I had with Lorna, this should be different. It had to be treasured, kept safe because it meant a lot to me. She meant a lot to me.

"You alright back there?" I kept my eyes focused on the road.

"Yeah, totally."

I could tell by her voice that she was bothered by something. The anxiety and nervousness in her voice were unmistakable; it seemed to me if she was rethinking her choice of coming with us.

Eventually, we arrived, enclosed in the darkness. Lorna and I carried our friends to the apartment. I knew that Alex and her Mom kept an extra key under doormat. Earlier I had thought that hiding the key under the doormat was only common in movies, but actually pretty much any household hides it somewhere on their front porch.

Alex woke up just in time and directly headed towards the bathroom. Piper was still lying on the couch, sleeping. If I didn't hide somewhere, I knew I had to talk to Lorna, which was impossible for me. Not now. I wasn't ready to face her, after everything that had happened today. I rushed to Vause's room and took a pencil and paper from her upper desk drawer, and started writing. Not a note, saying that I was leaving what most people would have expected from me, but poems. Nobody knew this about me, this artistic poetic side of me. Every time my thoughts were unorganized, I would sit down and fall into this world, this feeling I couldn't explain. It was almost like I was high, high of words. Since Lorna stepped into my life and completely turned it upside down, I had written at least twice as much as usual. Like this time, I would sit on the ground and follow the thoughts, until I reached clarity through poetry.

Nobody knows it's empty,
The smile that I wear.
The real one is left behind in the past
Because I left you there...

Nobody knows I am crying.
They won't even see my tears.
When they think I am laughing,
I wish you were here...

Nobody knows it's painful.
They think that I am strong.
They say it won't kill me,
But I wonder if they are wrong...

Nobody knows I miss you.
They think I am all set free,
But I feel like I am bound with chains,
Trapped in the mystery...

Nobody knows I need you.
They think I can do it on my own,
But they don't know I am crying
When I am all alone...

"Nicky?" I dropped my pen, so surprised by Vause's voice. I quickly put the paper in my pocket and turned around.

"You're back"
"I really feel terrible for what happened so I'm going to talk to Piper and apologize," Vause was talking while she gathered some clothes and changed.
"Why the fuck are you telling me this shit?" Vause wouldn't tell me unnecessary information since I didn't give a shit. She sighed, annoyed by my stubbornness.
„I need you to talk with Lorna so that I have got some time with Piper"
„Absolutely not!"
„Fuck Nicky, why?"
She wanted to know why? Because Lorna was treating me like a piece of shit although I care about her? Because I am not ready to face the woman that takes my breath every time I see her?
"Piper is asleep anyways," I replied, hoping that she would let go of this whole ridiculous idea.
"Nicky, please. I know that Lorna and you are in some weird position, but I care about this girl. Even though she is a cheerleader okay? And she really seemed upset about Sylvie. So just be a fuckin friend."
Not the friend card. I hate it when she does that. I sighed, because she knew that was the only way to convince me.
"Alright, fine."

——————
The air was so cold that I could see my breath, forming little clouds that would fade after a few seconds. I pulled down my sleeves and closed my jacket, refusing to go inside where Lorna was.
Although Alex had begged me to talk to her, I hadn't found the courage to walk up to her, so I was waiting for Lorna to make the first move. The darkness seemed to swallow all of the brightness that could usually be found in this streets, the children running around the blocks, chasing each other, the ice cream truck that came by every weekend, the chattering teenagers, returning from school.
"Hey," Lorna's shadow stepped out of the dark.
„Hey."
„Piper just woke up" she was staring at her hands, avoiding any eye contact „Alex is talking to her right now."
I watched her lips as she spoke those words, moving with such ease. Her lips seemed so soft and full, I wonder how it feels to kiss them. Remembering that I was in the middle of a conversation I cleared my throat.
„Wow, I don't know how Vause is going to make up for that one" I laughed a bit, hoping to lighten the mood.
Unluckily, Lorna's look remained focussed on the floor as if she was hurt by those words. Looking back at the evening it was surprising how similar our situations were, Vause cheating on her girlfriend with Piper, me cheating on Lorna with another girl. Although I don't really think it can count as cheating.
Lorna must have thought the same since I could see her slowly lifting her gaze.
I was afraid of the moment our eyes would meet. The color of her eyes, they made me want to tell her everything of how I feel about her. They made me want to push her against the wall and kiss in the middle of the night, even though she had a boyfriend. Not that I had cared about that before.
Her eyes were indescribable, the effect they had on me was ridiculous: the old me would have said. Well, brown eyes are only brown eyes until you love someone with brown eyes.

I looked back at her and our eyes met. For a second my whole world stopped spinning. My thoughts weren't a mess like before, they were crystal clear. I love that girl. Seeing her like this, devastated, staring at me, her brown eyes filled with sadness, it made me want to tell her that I love her. To promise her that I'd be different. That I would love and respect her the way she should be loved.
I stepped towards her and hugged her, burying my face in her neck, inhaling her flowery scent. A few seconds later, she finally hugged me back, wrapping her arms around my back. Only that small motion was enough to send shivers down my spine.
I can't remember how long we stood there, wrapped in each other's arms, holding on to one another as if it was preventing us from drowning.