Transition

13

WARNING!! TRIGGERING CHAPTER!! SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS TAKEN, IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY THINGS LIKE THIS, THEN PLEASE SKIP THIS CHAPTER, PLEASE!!! AGAIN, WARNING!! SUICIDAL CHAPTER!!

Nothing can go wrong, right? Hmm.....

I thought this was the case, but soon enough, my dysphoria came back, worse than ever. By now i had gotten my own binder, so that helped, but i was having dysphoria about my face, and voice, and the way i walked, and how i sat, just, everything about me. It got so bad to where i missed some school, faking sickness.

My friends helped me get through it some, but, how others view me didnt change the way i viewed myself. I hated myself (still do) and wanted nothing more than to just die...

One night, during spring break, when my dysphoria was ecspecially bad, i went to my bathroom, grapped a few bottles of random pills that probably shouldn't mix, and went back to my room. I called one of my friends that doesn't go to my school, Dale, to try to vent, but ended up taking around 60 of the pills. I worried my friends and i am sorry for that. I began getting dizxy, and couldn't walk without falling over, so i just laid down. Then my entire body began shaking, i truly thought i was going to die, so i wrote a letter. A letter I titled "To whom it concerns" I didnt want to target it to anyone, so i labled it that way.

Sometime that night, i woke up vomiting. I'm honestly glad i did, for I'm scared of where i would be right now if i hadn't...
The next morning, i woke up in the living room. My mom came in and asked if i was okay, i had asked her about some friends that had come over and what their mom had asked her. She told me that nobody came over. I had hallucinated that my friends came to visit me, but i covered it up by saying, "Oh i must have sleep-walked, then sorry mom" that weekend, my mom made me stay in bed, because i told her i was sick and throwing up. She never found out about what i did...never...
And I'm glad.

If my mom would have found out, she would have been devestated, crushed. I don't want her to know how suicidal i am, so i just dealt with it. I covered it up and dealt with it. That's the best i could do.