mute.

intro.

I can't talk.

It's not that i dont want to because trust me, if i could, I'd be talking non-stop right now. But I can't.

When I was born, the doctors thought I'd be tortured for the rest of my life because I couldn't speak. But I personally think they're wrong. I'm fine with not talking, I guess.

I watch the world go by without being able to tell it how beautiful it is. I'm not able to tell my family or Maple or Angel how much I love them. I'm not allowed to pray out loud to thank God. I can't even answer the phone.

I don't have a voice. I know what you're thinking: That's impossible. Everyone has a voice. But that's where you're wrong. I was born without vocal cords. The larynx, or 'voicebox', holds the vocal cords and channels air for breathing. It's extremely rare to have a disorder like mine, but lucky me, right? As far as my doctors concern, I'm never going to be able to talk. Never laugh, scream, sing. Nothing.

But I do laugh, you just cant hear it. I cry, it's just silent.

It's not that bad. I get out of oral presentations and answering questions in class. I never get in trouble for speaking disrespectfully. I do have a mean glare though.

I wish I could say I wasn't treated differently for not speaking, but that would be a lie. The kids at my school and in my classes treat me like I'm stupid for not speaking. They feel like I don't talk because I'm just dumb and don't know the answers. Well have me tell you I'm in honors Math and History, so HA!

My teachers and Maple and Angel (my only 2 friends) are the only ones who know why I don't talk. If the other kids knew, maybe I wouldn't be bullied. They all think I'm 'depressed' or something. So I'm made fun of. But do the teachers stand up for me when I'm getting picked on in class? Of course not.

The only benefit of my disorder is my memory. I guess you could say I had a photographic memory? My mom says it's because I don't let any information out of my mouth, so it can all stay snuggled up in my brain. She's right. The information has no where to go, so it can just stay in my mind.

My family treats me no different than anyone else, thank God. They don't pity me, they treat me like I've been talking my whole life. Which technically I have. I can read and write and hear just fine, so I carry around a whiteboard and marker with me everywhere I go. That way I can answer, ask, or make jokes just like everyone else. Sort of. My dad has been looking into finding me a better way to communicate, like some electronic thing, but I like my whiteboard. It's classic.

Without the whole 'no voice' thing, i'm just like a normal person. I wake up, go to school, ride the bus, drive, do homework, fight with my brother, help mom and dad, and go to bed. If everyone else could see how normal I am, I could be treated differently.

Luke never uses my loss to his advantage. He has other things that he knows will push my buttons, like making fun of my music and boybands. But he knows I'm not stupid. The cool thing about my brother is he's not ashamed that he's related to me. He says hi and talks to me in the hallways during school even though he's popular and I'm just the girl that doesnt talk. If I look alittle upset during lunch, he'll come over to me and make sure I'm ok. I would never tell him this, if i could, but i think he's probably the handsomest boy in his sophmore class. Plus he's sweet and charming, unlike all the other guys. That's why he's so popular. Any girl would be lucky to have him. But he's not perfect either, he's still a real pain in the butt. He's still my little bro, and probably the best friend I have too.

My real saviors are Maple and Angel. If it wasnt for them, I think I'd hide in the school bathroom all day. They treat me like everyother bitch at our school. Talk to me and listen (well read my whiteboard), but it's different than talking to everyone else. It's like they really listen. It's hard to explain, I guess. I have 6 out of 8 classes with Angel and 5 out of 8 with Maple. We all have the same art, history, and gym (thank God). We also have the same lunch and our lockers are near eachother. I think my parents talked to my school councelor about it and planned everything, because how could all of that happen? They're just happy I actually have friends.

The only reason I still have hope is the list. For my 10th birthday my parents payed to get my name on the list for a transplant. I know it may never happen, but i still need to believe that it could. I still have a chance. There's only been one transplant done like the one I need, and it was succesful. I don't have a lot to worry about. I knew I'd be waiting for awhile, so being the nerd I am, I did research:

For a vocal cord transplant, doctors take 8 tracheal rings from the donor organ, as well as the thyroid (which is intertwined with the larynx) and surrounding blood vessels and nerves. The transplant, including the retrieval of the donor organ, takes 18 hours. An internation team of otolaryngological experts (ears, nose, and throat doctors) are used for finding the right transplant candidate. A team of doctors retrieve the donor's entire larynx (voicebox) and thyroid in a 6 hour period. Surgeons in another room remove the patient's damaged larynx and prepare the transplant for the new organ which requires the team to reconnect nerves, arteries, and veins to make sure the organ stays in place. If the transplant fails, people can still live without their larynx. After a 10 year lifespan, the patient will be able to concume foods and liquids without it going into their airway. After 10 years or more, the patient will also be able to talk without an electronic device. The patient wouldn't have the donor's voice, but develop their own.

I know I'll be waiting for the transplant for awhile, but it's worth it. I have been waiting for 7 years already, so I think I'll survive. I just hope I'll still be living by the time we get the call.

But something might change my mind while I'm waiting. Maybe even someone.

--.MORE COMING SOON.--