I set out to put up walls
I thought it didn't work
I thought I was still to invested,
To emotional.
Turns out, I've certainly done it
There's a shield around my entire mind
Except,
I don't think it's keeping people out
Oh no
It's keeping my thoughts inside
Locked away,
Even from me.
Keep them away,
All of the thoughts,
And they'll go away.
I'm not even sure what the thoughts are.
Likely, residual hate for myself.
Issues with my stretch marks,
Body rolls,
Wrinkly ass.
My pimple face,
Ugly nose,
Limp, thin hair.
All of that,
Hidden behind shield of beauty
Behind the shields formed from makeup,
Bronzer bricks,
Mascara batting rams,
War flags of lipstick.
Shields of makeup.
Shields of fake beauty,
Of my belief,
That I am pretty.
The reassurances,
The glances and smiles in the mirrors,
The words telling myself I'm beautiful.
Shields,
Too.
Shields,
To keep the emotion in.
The pain of October.
Hidden under layers.
Pushed,
Deeper,
Deeper,
Deeper.
First, merely pushed aside,
Because life calls.
Choir and concerts,
Priorities.
Rehearsal dinners and weddings,
Priorities.
Then,
It would be an effort.
To reopen them.
To face what needed to be faced.
So I left them,
Alone, mulling.
When they surfaced,
I said no.
No, it's not my fault.
No, it's not her fault.
It's fates fault.
Send it away.
Push it aside.
I patched up soul deep wound with a bandaid.
And I threw salt in it myself.
I never took time.
I never faced the wounds.
I never faced what I did.
I never faced what she did.
Now,
It's too late.
Now,
Peeling the bandaid away
Would be more excruciating then living it again
YOU ARE READING
A Broken Optimist
PoetryShe's a lost soul, searching for Froot Loops in a world of Cheerios. Emotions. Inflicted by words, Creating signals to connect those emotions. A pang in your heart, the dull ache of love, a tedious, meaningless thing to some. The entire thing to ot...
