wane // poetry

forty-seven

you know i fucking miss her because she once made me happy but she also left me like this.
i don't know if i should hate her, or if i should miss her
but either way it hurts more to hate and i can't ever erase her from my mind and i fucking hate that thought,
but i'm trying to face it.
it doesn't work,
the pills don't make it go away,
they only make them come back later.
and i'm hurting and confused
i don't know what to do
i'm just
hoping i could make it out tonight because i don't want to lose all of you.
my tattooed scars, they're gone but i know they're still there
and i long to tear them up.
fucking hell i just
i just don't know.
she left me like this because i tried to fix her.
the sharp edges cut me whole and now i'm purely shattered,
and i'd rather suffer than see any of you try to pick me up,

because i don't want you all to break, i really don't.
and i have no one to talk to because i feel like no one understands.
even if all of you are standing next to me i feel like i'm fighting this alone,
because i am.
and i'm too weak, too cowardly to face those demons.
i'd rather stay like this than face my demons because hell,
they scare me so much i don't even want to get better.
there were nights like these when we used to talk on the phone for hours and laugh like there's no tomorrow.
her jokes.
i miss her fucking existence,
when she was just a genuine friend.
though she was never genuine.
i want to turn back time because
i fucking miss the gang,
i fucking miss everyone,
i feel homesick at home because prophecy and aqua's gone,
that bitch's betrayed us,
spring's left,
it's only me and ella and goldie
and they don't understand.
they don't fucking understand
i don't want anyone to worry about me so i hide everything
i'd rather crumble than have others to worry about me.
i can stay strong for everyone.
i can.
but i'm already crying on the floor,
what else can i do?

-lyrix