Behind the bully (On Hold)

Chapter Four

Chapter Four

"Get outta my way you little faggot!" I yelled at a pathetic grade sevener who had made the mistake of, how is it put normally, "coming out", and letting the world know he was gay. Which would have been fine, not a problem, except that he came out in the middle of religion class in front of the most drastic Old Testament catholic teacher you will ever come across. Well, she shrieked and made it very clear that he must be a 'Satan Worshiper' or something. Which I really did not understand at all, I mean, I was once a strong Catholic and from what I knew God told us to respect and accept everyone no matter what their status in society. I felt a pang of guilt as I realized I'd just gone against my own God and my own beliefs by insulting him. I turned around to face the boy to apologize, but I didn't get so much as one word out before he snapped "You just shut up ok? I'm gay, whoop-de-do." and stalked off. 

That pang of guilt grew to the size of an army base, like a ginormous, treacherous wave crashing into me. I've never had a problem with gay's or lesbians in my life. In fact, I envied their courage at not simply hiding behind a cover and pretending to be straight. Hell I used to walk up to them and congratulate them!

Used to. I reminded myself. I cursed myself for forgetting how drastically my life had changed. I used to be a lot of things. But I'm not anymore. I cursed myself for even thinking for a second that I could be that girl again. I am Bianca. That girl that I used to be, that girl whom people used to call Bi, who would run around and have fun, who was filled with happiness and compassion, was gone. Never to be seen or heard from again. She's been replaced with a stranger, a shadow of herself filled with anger hate and hopelessness. That girl is who she is now, and will forever be.

I turned around and punched the corner of the steel pipe. It cut across my knuckles causing the blood to slowly leak out in little beads of scarlet. I could feel pain from the inside of my hand as well, a fire travelling up and down the bone. It was broken. I held onto that feeling of pain, it was no less then what I deserve, and started walking aimlessly to no-where.

 “That wasn’t very nice” someone said sadly to me. I whirled around on my heels to see Amy following me, not two steps behind.

 “What do you want?” I spat. “Are you following me?” I asked, suspicion and rage building up inside me. “Because if you are…” I let the threat hang in the air. She just continued to stare at me sadly.

 “Because if I am, what? What will you do Bianca? Tell on me? Beat me up? Bully me?” she asked bravely, holding my stare.

 “You know I will” I replied, staring daggers at her. She thought for a while.

 “Yes, yes I do think you would. But then what? It won’t help, and you know that don’t you?” she said, continuing to look sadly into my eyes. I froze. Did she know what happened? What was going on? Did she know something?  Could she see my thoughts somehow? Know what I am going through?

 I shook my head at the thoughts. Of course she couldn’t know any of that, no one except mother does, and she is in no fit state to tell anyone.

 “Get out of here” I snarled, “I mean it! Don’t pretend to know me when you don’t!”

 “Don’t I? I know your upset, something really bad is bothering you, and you are dealing with it by bullying others, forcing them to deal with the same pain you do. But it’s not helping is it?” She repeated.  I could feel the anger rising within me.

 “No one can feel the pain I feel! Ok? No one!” I yelled at her before stalking off back the way I’d come.

I ran into the toilet block and broke down.