apologies • yunchan

Chapter 2

Chanwoo
It's 12 AM and I can't sleep. My mind is flooded with Yunhyeong and Donghyuk. He grabbed his phone texting his old number

My Love
Hyung
I can't sleep
I still remember when you used to sing me a lullaby so I can sleep
I still remember when you play with my hair
I still remember when you always cuddled with me
Now, I always sleep alone
No one to help me sleep
No one to play with my hair
No one to cuddle me
It's raining now
It feels like the weather knows what I'm feeling right now
I remember when you used to comfort me because I hate when it rains loud and the thunder scares me
Now, I'm all alone trying to calm myself
It's hard to breathe hyung
But this isn't new
God why did you leave me?!
I loved you
I still love you!
Was I not enough?
I'm sorry im nit enougjj hyunf
I cant typw properly the tears are on thw wau
I'm sorry for everything
I know im a failure
I did not deserve you
You were perfect
I was nothing
Goodnight hyung
I hope you sleep well
(end of text)

I was full on sobbing right now. I cried myself to sleep that night, nothing new.
I woke up late today, again, nothing new. I don't have classes today since I dropped out. My parents just send me money since they din't even care about my education. I wanted to be an actor, but now, I don't know anymore. I went to the bathroom and looked to the mirror. What do I see? I see a fat and ugly man. Eye bags clearly seen, eyes red from all the crying, stained tears on his cheek, hair messy and arms full of ugly scars. I'm disgusting. I used to harm myself but Yunhyeong-hyung helped me overcome it. He was the reason why I did not want to end my life. He was the reason why I wanted to live. Now, why do I want to live when the person whose the reason I wanted to live was in anothers arms? Sht. The voices are back. No.

He does not love you
I know.
He hates you
I know.
You're not worth it
I know.
You're disgusting
I know.
Kill yourself

I grabbed my head trying to stop this voices. Stop! please just stop! I was on the bathroom floor crying while clutching my head and trying to calm myself. My sobs can be heard in the whole room. I opened the cabinet and grabbed my blade. My old blades. I thought Yunhyeong-hyung threw them. I shakingly placed the blade on my wrist and cut. 1 cut, 2 cuts, 3 cuts and so on. In total, I made 10 cuts on each arm. I promised myself I won't do this again. Promises are made to be broken. Just like when he said he won't leave me. That he loves me. Did he even loved me? I decided to get my phone and texted his old number again.

My Love
hyung
i cut myself today
you care right?
of course not
i promised that i wont do it again
yet it was meant to be broken
like all your promises to me hyung
they hurt
but it felt good
knowing all the worries and problems are gone evn for just a split second
it felt good knowing your sorrows are clouded bu the cuts
it felt nice
i fee bored hyung
entertain me please
nvm
its monday today
i dont go to school anymore
i dropped out
i dont have a future anyways
my parents are giving me money but is not enough
one day they will be tired of me
just like you
just like everyone
slowly, they lessen the money they give me each month
its not even enough for me to eat 3 meals
idc tho since i dint eat anymore
the payment for the apartment is near hyung
i remember when you used to help me pay
now, this once lovely apartment is filled with sadness and darkness
i dont know how im going to pay the bill
how hyung
please help me
i have no one
my parents are already growing tired of me
hyung
please
(end of text)

Yunhyeong
"Ughh"
"Love ugh"
We finally came and breathed heavily. We were panting. He layed next to me and kissed me.
"Hyung"
"Hmm?"
"I love you"
"I love you too baby"
We cleaned up and went to wear our pj's. When sleep was about to take over me, a scene played in my head. Chanwoo in the bathroom self-harming. My eyes widened. Why did I suddenly thought of that? What? I decided to just ignore it and tried to sleep and luck was on my side that day