Falling

Guilt

The ride home was filled with an awkward silence. I was starting to sober up from the abundance of red wine and the mixed emotions were beginning to set in. I knew that I had hurt Ben. No matter how unintentional it was, I had to put myself in his shoes and I knew how I would have reacted had the tables been turned. I hated myself. I did exactly what I've always hated other people for doing.

Then there was Sam. I couldn't control how much fun we had together or how giddy he made me feel. There was always a connection when we were near each other. Even sitting awkwardly in a car together, I could feel the electricity between us. I felt every glance that came from him and I forced myself to stare out of the passenger window. All I wanted in that moment was for him to grab my hand and tell me everything would be alright. But it wasn't his place to do that. I needed to tell Ben what I had done. That kiss, no matter how irresponsible or how wrong it was, it felt so right.

We were at the stoplight before my apartment when Sam finally spoke.

"No regrets, Kate."

He startled me from my daze. I looked over at him as he stared intently at the road ahead. "That's because you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sor-."

Before I could finish, he grabbed my hand while shaking his head. "Please don't say you're sorry. I wanted it just as badly as you, if not more. But I can't handle it if you're sorry for it happening, because I'm sure not."

I smiled weakly at our hands, then up at him. "I just feel bad about the situation. I acted on impulse. I need to talk to Ben."

"No. I know he makes you happy and I support that. I'll still be here, but don't ruin what you have."

"Sam, I've become everything I've ever hated. I don't want you to justify my actions. It was a mistake."

I swore I could see his eyes starting to well up with tears, but he held his composure and hardly looked in my direction as we parked in front of my building. My hand immediately felt colder the moment he let go to get out of the car. I watched as he walked around to open my door. His eyes never left the ground, even when I stood up in front of him.

"Thanks for the lift." I said as he shut my door behind me.

"I'll walk you up." I nodded and stuffed my hands into my coat pockets as we walked up the stairs.

I pulled my keys out as we reached the front door and turned to face him. "Look, I know you don't want to hear it, but I am sorry. Not for what happened, but how it made you feel. I don't want to lead you on and I shouldn't have done that." I could see the disappointment in his eyes and it broke my heart. "I care about you, Sam. I just can't do this right now."

"We're friends, nothing more. Nothing happened today. I'll talk to you soon." He pushed the front door open and motioned for me to walk in. Before I could step inside, I heard footsteps coming from the stairs and it caught both our attention.

"What 'didn't happen' today?" Ben reached the top of the stairs just as our conversation was ending. I swallowed hard not knowing how to tell him. Before I could speak, Sam stepped forward.

"She was worried you were upset about our water fight. I was just reminding her you knew we were just friends." He patted Ben on his shoulder as he passed and the two shared a quick nod before Ben looked up at me.

"You've been crying. Are you alright?" He placed his arm around my waist and started guiding me through the front door. Before I turned around I looked at Sam, who was also watching me. My heart broke a little but I was thankful for him saving my relationship.

"Too much wine." I said as we shut the door behind us. "How's your daughter?"

He reached up to pull my coat off as I slid out of my boots. "She's fine. Abigail was jealous that I was with you and so she made up an emergency."

"Oh. Do you want some coffee?"

He wrapped his arms around my waist and stared intently into my eyes. "I want you."

I felt my heart pounding. The guilt was killing me. Before I could let it take over he placed his hand on my cheek. "Are you okay?"

It took me a minute to compose myself. "I had too much to drink. Can we have a calm night?"

I felt his lips press gently against my forehead. "Whatever you want, Kate." I couldn't help but smile. He knew exactly what to say and do. "How about you shower and I'll have some coffee and a movie ready for you when you get out?"

"That sounds nice. Thanks again for going today. I know my friends are a little too much sometimes."

"I had fun. Not as much fun as you, but I had fun. Now, go get in the shower!" He tapped my butt as I turned to go to my bedroom.

I took what was no doubt the longest shower I'd ever taken. I tried to wash away the events of the day as well as the lingering alcohol in my system. Ben wasn't perfect, but that gave me no excuse for what I did. I wasn't trying to get revenge on him, I was just feeling left out. I knew why he couldn't include me in that part of his life, but that didn't make it any easier. I was ready to be all in with him, but his life didn't allow that. I had to settle for the secrecy until everything was over and part of me knew that just wasn't enough.