Dear Diary

3-5-17 Entree Twenty Five

Dear Diary, 

It's sunday, day one. Everything is still the same. Not like i expected it to be different. 

I have school tomorrow and its 11:32. i should probably go to sleep. I would if i could but insomnia is really getting to me. This forces me to think about everything i try to avoid and have been for at least a year. since everything started going down hill. Since josh left me. I loved him so much. he was the love of my life. the man of my dreams. he was the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life. He was THE ONE. If I texted him i wonder what he would say. I'm going to do that real quick...

So i just texted him and this was our conversation...

**hey

What do you want

**i just wanted to talk

about what?

**I don't know anything

were over and that is that so how about you leave while you still have dignity. 

** look i know were over but i was just hoping to be your friend i know this is a little out of the blue but i really just want to be friends with you. 

oh my god, I'll talk to you later i can't deal with this right now

**ok bye

_______________________________________

I wanted to tell him i loved him, i wanted to tell him everything that's been going on. i wanted him to know i still wanted to be his. even if our arguments did get heated. even if everytime i left his house i left with a few more scars, a few more bruises, and a few more not so happy memories. 

He was the one person i wanted to be with. Even if i didn't look like it Josh was the only one i truly ever loved. And i know he loved me. he had to of or else he wouldn't have cared in the first place. or else i wouldn't be here talking to you like your actually real and care about my feelings. You're just a book. you don't understand what I'm going through. you don't know who i really am. you barely know my backstory so here let my fill you in. 

My name is sarah. i don't have any friends. I grew up in Arkansaw. With no family but my dad. im 17 now and he's dead. i don't know where my mother is and i don't have any siblings. i was the child in the back of the room that everybody picked on. Everyone picked on me Because i was an easy target. i was that shy girl with no one to talk to and as the years go on i grow to strong to put up with all those things. Then someone gave me a chance. His name was Josh. He accepted me for me and when i was with him. He made me feel like i was finally loved. 

And for the first time i need someone here with me because I'm not strong enough to go on anymore. i needed him here and he isn't here. because i f*cked up. not him. i wasnt strong enough to hold on to what we had. and for that i am never going to be the same.