Surfacing

Chapter 6

''Sarah''...... I turned around at the sound of my husband's voice, shocked that he spoke to me first instead of me having to initialize it. Recently, with Rachels help, I have slowly come to the realisation that I have a problem, that not everything that happens is my fault and that maybe, just maybe, my husband is how he is because he thinks I don't love him any longer. That maybe he thinks like that as, for the past two years i've been pulling further and further away without realising.

Drowning in my own depression and letting it keep me under water, submerging me so fully, I had no hope of surfacing alone without help. She made me see that going to a therapist would be a good step forward to helping myself and my marriage. I love my husband, I want to try and the hope rekindling in my heart that he might still love me too spurred me on to make the first appointment.

''Sarah?'' James was now looking at me slightly puzzled as I hadn't answered him. ''Uh, ehmm, sorry I......I was caught up in here'' pointing to my head as I looked at him unsure as to what he'd say. James gave a small smile, I was so shocked that I sat down! He took a step toward me, quite unsure of himself, frowning slightly at my reaction. ''Are you okay Sarah?'' he awkwardly lowered himself to the chair beside me at our kitchen table. ''I'm fine, I think...James, you smiled.'' James chuckled softly, slightly sorrowful it seemed. ''Yeah, I guess I did.....I spoke to Rachel......'' I stood quickly, shocked. they hated each other.....didn't they? At least in recent years they have. ''What have you spoken about?'' James rose after me, looking like he wanted to calm me if I showed signs of getting angry. ''What did she say James? Is this why you're speaking to me? Is it....'' James put his finger over my lips and shushed me. He touched me! Oh God, how long has it been?!

''All Rachel said was that there has been alot unsaid, alot let wither and die and it was time to mend things before they have gone beyond fixing. She said nothing I hadn't been thinking of myself, I promise.''  I looked at him trying to see if it was the truth. After a few seconds I sat back down, James followed. ''There has been so much pain.....'' James took my hand, I didn't pull away. It was the first time he's done that in such a long time that I quickly realised it's what i've been craving. The touch of my husband that I have been denied.....and denied myself from, for too long.

''James.....We do need to talk, I have so much to tell you and yet I don't know where to start or if you'll understand.'' He lifted my hand from the table, turned me toward him and rested it between us on his leg. '' Sarah, i've always wanted to understand, I've been so angry, angry at myself, at you at everything! I thought my marriage was over, I couldn't even be around the kids because I didn't want to take it out on them. I am so sorry for not talking before and just letting things be. I just didn't know how. Please forgive me.....talk to me....help me save us.'' I gazed at him, shocked at what I heard come from him. He may not have reacted well but it was not his fault to begin with, I understand now. It was this illness, this infection that took hold of my soul. No longer will I let this darkness consume me, I will NOT let it kill my marriage.

''James, what I have to tell you, what you need to know, it will help you understand this illness I hope. l want to save us too'' James smiled as I said that '' I have been suffering from Depression....I didn't realise it but it had taken a strong hold of me. Rachel helped me get in touch with someone'' When he frowned at me questioningly I answered him the only way I could....''James, will you come to my first appointment to see a therapist with me?'' Understanding dawned, he smiled. ''I would love to.'' I smiled back at him, it felt like the first genuine smile in such a long time. ''Thank you''