Disconnected || lashton {au}

Chapter 5

{{Oooh I got 100 reads that's pretty cool aye bc I wasn't even expecting 20 tbfh so :)}}

CONTAINS SELF HARM GUYS PLEASE DONT READ IF IT WOULD BE A TRIGGER

Ashton's POV

I struggled with the keys and eventually flung the door open, expecting mum to be home. I checked my phone to see a text from her saying she won't be home until about 9pm, she's a nurse so there's probably some emergency.

I rushed upstairs and ripped open the bathroom cupboard, and pulled out the blade I founded the other day, I was trying to be good, I was trying to stop,

But it was just too hard.

I was doing so well, it had been almost a year, I don't understand what happened. Things got worse, my anxiety got worse, my depression got worse, my stomach looked fatter than ever and I couldn't handle it anymore. My ribs were poking through my skin, but the fat on my stomach was unbearable.

I slid the cool metal across my stomach, across my thighs, my wrists and anywhere else I could cover up. It seemed like my whole body was bleeding and it did sting like hell but I loved it.

"I deserve this."

I mumbled over and over to myself on the way to the bathroom.

Calum made me tell him that I am a fag, that I didn't deserve to live, what is he was right? Fuck, he was right. About the first part, anyway, I'm not gay though. Everyone just assumes I am. I dont think I could date a guy, it just doesn't seem right.

Thoughts rushed through my head as the stream of the ice cold shower ran over me.

Who would miss me?
Nobody, you fag

Would anybody even notice?
Of course not, you're invisible.

How would I do it?
Rope or pills, I can't decide.

What about mum?
I'm the only person in her life, we need each other.

What about Michael?
I think he cares about me, we also need each other

If it weren't for these two people, I'd be long gone.

Luke's POV

Goddamnit, those fair curls, those hazel eyes, I hardly know this kid. Why was I so hung up on him, fucking hell I'm going mental. He looks broken, disconnected from the rest of the world, I have to fix him. That's all it is. I have to fix this kid.

I spoke to calum on the way home and he has 24 stitches on the back of his head. I'll be having a nice chat with skunkhead tomorrow. Oh for fucks sake luke, why do you all of a sudden care so much about people, you're a bitch.

I decided to text Jace and see if he was up for a big night, I needed to take my mind off everything. Since when did I start thinking about things?

He's out with some random chick he met the other night, god knows where, god knows what they're doing, but that leaves me alone. Calum can't leave bed or whatever and I don't have Brodie's number. Sure I hang around out with a lot of people but that's only to make myself seem more popular, they're all stupid douches. So cal Brodie and Jace are the only people I'd consider going out for a night with.

Ashton

Wait why do I want to hang out with ashton

Oh god if this keeps up I'll lose my reputation and everybody will know I'm gay. I have to play along with the fact that he's a 'stupid fag' and continue to blow him off. I see that as wrong, if it was anyone else, I'd almost enjoy being a jerk to them but I don't think I can do it to ashton.

Anyways, I don't even have his number.

I run my fingers along my wrists out of habit, thinking of something to do. I go through a list of things that could've happened to ashton to make him so uncertain and shy.

The bullying Definitely takes part in it, I have no doubt about that, but what are some possibilities

He might get abused at home

He could have anxiety or depression

He could be all these things for all I know.

My mind racks off things that could be wrong with him and I absentmindedly draw patterns on my legs.

He could be gay, he could be ashamed of his sexuality

He could be confused about his sexuality

I think those ones were kind of hopes rather than ideas, but it's still a possibility.

What am I thinking