Cherry Blossom Falls

Cherry Blossom Falls pt.2

2 days later

My world feels like it's ended. After being rushed to hospital, Dan died from a lack of oxygen to the brain (caused by his genetic condition) on April 20th. It's not Dan and Phil anymore, it's just me, Phil. I feel nothing, I feel numb, like I'm under anaesthetic but not quite fully unconscious. I'm laying in Dan's bed, back in England. I feel close to him here. I bury my face in the grey and black sheets and inhale the smell he left behind. It's sweet and comforting, but the smell of a now dead person's body is nothing close to one of those who is alive. At this point, I should be crying, but I've cried so much that there are no tears left. Dan always said I had ocean eyes, because of their bright blue colour, but now they feel as dry as a desert. I haven't told the internet yet about what's happened, I feel like I can never face it. I just want to lay here, for ever and ever. Obviously Dan's family has been told the news, and I have had phone calls from them, but I haven't answered any. I don't want to speak to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I don't... I don't know if I want to be alive anymore.

Sitting alone on the sofa, I grab my laptop and open the lid expressionlessly. I type in my password and wait for it to load. Then, I upload the footage from my camera onto it and watch it. It's a vlog from our first day in Japan, where we looked around the city with our 'tour guides' Mimei and Duncan (who are also YouTubers). Dan looked so well, but I should have been able to tell that he still wasn't alright. I slap myself on the wrist, hard. The pain on my skin temporarily distracts me from the pain in my head, so I do it again and again until my skin is red and raw. Our fans deserve this footage, one last glimpse of Dan. He almost means as much to them as he does to me. I post the video that I had edited a few days ago onto YouTube then shut down my laptop. I just sit there, staring at the wall.

Vlog:

One week later

Today is the day of Dan's funeral. I don't really want to go, but I know it's only right that I say goodbye to him properly. I am wearing a black suit, and it reminds me of how Dan always used to wear black even though he was so full of energy, in his own unique way. He was just that, unique. It feels wrong to say "was" instead of "is", but I suppose that's just what it is. Dan "was".

I'm stood beside the aisle in the church, in the front row. People are singing hymns, and I am mouthing, with the squeak of a sound coming out every so often. Dan would have hated this. Now the hymn has ended, I know the coffin will be carried to the front soon. The echo of slow footsteps on cold stone gets louder and louder until I see a solemn looking man out of the corner of my eye, wearing black and moving past me slowly. I can't bear to look as I know Dan's body is inside the wooden coffin he is carrying. I stand silently, tears running down my face. I don't even try to stop them. Other people are crying around me, and I think we are making enough tears to create an ocean, an ocean of missing Dan.

One month later

I know I should have done, but I haven't been able to visit Dan's grave yet. I haven't been able to bring myself to leave the apartment, let alone go and visit my best friend's lifeless body. Anyway, that's all it is, a body. It's not Dan. I know it won't numb my pain, but I really must go. If I don't do it today, I never will. It's 10AM and I pull myself out of bed, my body feeling like it's doubled in weight. My head hurts, and I realise that I haven't eaten or drunk anything for at least a couple of days. Shoving some dry cereal into my mouth, I walk out of the front door and to the bus stop down the road. I think that Dan will be angry that I stole his cereal yet again, but then my face falls when I realise that he won't. 'He's not there Phil, he's gone!' I shout at myself inside my head. Each word stabs me, causing just as much pain as if I was hearing them for the first time.

I stare at the gravestone in front of me. 'Daniel Howell' it states formally. '"Hello internet"'. It had been what I and Dan's family had decided should be on the gravestone, seeing as his YouTube channel is what made up such a big part of him, and these were his first words on it. Reaching inside my jacket pocket, I grab some petals. They are pink and as fragile as life itself. I let one slip through my hand and be blown away by the wind. I watch it toss and turn and then drift away from me, squinting my eyes until it's completely out of sight. The rest of the petals I am holding, which come all of the way from Japan, I scatter around the grave. Then, as if someone had a projector and was pointing it up at the sky, I see an image of a bedroom that I recognise, printed onto the clouds. Some brown hair edges into the screen from the top left hand corner until I am met with two wide brown eyes, two matching dimples and two dark freckles. Two. And just like that, what I know I must do to achieve true happiness once again becomes clear. Two.

We are physically two separate people. Dan is Dan, and I am Phil, but together we are Dan and Phil. Together we are one, made of two halves, and that's what I want. I am my own person, but I feel like a half, and on my own that isn't enough. I want Dan and Phil, not just Phil, and if we have to be together for that then that's what I'll make sure we are. 'I'm coming Dan' I think. 'I'm coming'.

The dull ocean swirls beneath my feet. It's a lifeless grey-green colour, yet it moves with ferocious velocity and roars as waves crash down unforgivingly. Behind me, cars rush past quickly on journeys to many destinations. However, there is only one I want to reach right now, and it's not where any of the vehicles are heading. My hands are shaking which rest on the metal railing that I am sitting on at the side of the bridge. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I inhale a breath of salty air, and then exhale slowly as I slowly shuffle off the railing. I hear a loud slam behind me as I slip completely off. 'What am I doing?' I think suddenly, and rip open my eyes. I'm falling, I can't hold on. I let out a deafening scream, then shut my eyes again, not daring to look. There is a stabbing pain in my wrist that I was trying to hold onto the rail with. All of the muscles in my arm pull, and I realise that I'm not going to hit the water. I open my eyes and look up. I am blinded by the sun, but then I see the face of a young girl who is holding onto my wrist, digging her nails in and pulling as hard as she can. I hear shouts from behind her that are willing the girl to pull. "I'm trying!" She screams. I use my free hand to grab the railing and pull with all of my strength to hoist myself up so that I can get my feet on and then fall over the other side to safety. I lay on my back breathing heavily on the ground for a few seconds before I look up at the faces of a group of worried teenage girls, staring down at me.

"Are-are you okay?" One of them asks, her voice trembling. I don't know what to say. Am I okay? "I think so" I reply quietly. She is wide-eyed and cautious, with bright blonde hair and young blue eyes which match the clear summer sky behind her. Another girl holds out a hand, gesturing for me to take it so that she can help me up. I grab it and rise to my feet. My legs feel like jelly and wobble beneath me slightly so the girls steady me until I balance. They glance at each other, then one says "We hope you're okay Phil. We're here for you." Then they all gather around me and embrace me in a hug. They're all lots shorter than me so their arms are around my waist, but it doesn't matter - I still feel their energy, their love, their care. Normally, if a group of people I didn't know hugged me I would step away or tense up, but something is different this time. These girls aren't strangers. They're "you guys". They care. Slowly, the hole that Dan left inside me starts to fill up. A drop at a time, like a leaking tap dripping into a bath. The girls climb back into the car that a middle-aged woman, presumably one of their mothers, is driving and they wave shyly as the car speeds away. Reaching into the back pocket of my skinny jeans, I pull out my phone. I lean against the railing then open the front camera and start to film. "Hey guys" I say. The members of the phandom are my family, they're our family, they deserve to know the news. I'm fully aware that I'm talking to a camera, but it's so much more than that. I'm the only person standing here, but I know I'm not alone. With the strength of millions of people behind me, I feel strong enough to fly. To soar up into the clouds and be with Dan. However, I suddenly don't need to be there with him. Because I know he's here, right here, by my side. I smile at the space next to me. I can't see anything there, but I know I got a smile, complete with dimples, back.