Experimental

Chapter 3: Noise

Warnings: Homophobic slurs, Swearing, Sexual Abuse Mentions, Violence

Word Count: 5.1k

Dan's P.O.V.

I watched Phil lift his arm to knock on PJ's door. The sound of his knuckles against the wood echoed inside of my head and made me fully aware of what I had gotten myself into. I felt nauseous and wouldn't be surprised if I threw up the entire packet of Malteasers I had devoured on the way here at any given moment. At first, I was afraid to touch them because Phil had bought them for himself, but the moment he offered them up to me, I wasted no time digging in. My hand was shaking each time I brought the chocolate-coated candy to my lips. The car ride was mostly silent besides my consistent crunching and the soft diminutive patter of Phil's fingertips against the steering wheel. I was so lost within my own thoughts, I hadn't even realized I was on a binger. In fact, I didn't notice until I had jammed my fingers into the package and scraped the bottom of it to discover that it was empty. The only thing I had left to relieve my anxiety was the familiar pain I brought myself when scraping my nails against the already torn and delicate flesh of my palms. I didn't want to have to resort to that because I didn't want to accidentally make myself bleed again and get caught by Phil. I was already anxious enough and wouldn't be able to handle it. I decided to go with something less risky and waited out the rest of the ride tightly gripping onto the side padding of the passenger seat. I knew I could've declined Phil's request to join him. Hell, I knew I could've backed out of it even after I had agreed to attend PJ's party. However, I was weakened by my immense fear of coming off as pernicious or selfish. Since the very first day of being blessed by Phil's presence, I've censored myself and worked hard to keep myself together. I've attempted to only act in a way that I believe would please him or at least get him to tolerate me. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to maintain my calm persona around him. I was unraveling by the second and failing to keep up my quiet, somber demeanor. This was all too much. From the movies with Phil to this party with Phil, it was all too much. I don't know how much more I can handle before I collapse into a full mental break down.

I exhaled small breaths at an attempt to recollect myself. I could hear faint footsteps through the door that were growing louder and louder. If I listened close enough, I could hear distant muffled music and low murmurs from people talking. I looked down at Phil for reassurance but was disappointed when I realized he was staring straight ahead. Underneath the moonlight, he was a stunning piece of artwork that belonged in a museum for all to appreciate. My eyes grazing over his pale skin easily put me into a trance. It made me crave to trace my fingertips along every inch of his flesh that was bare to me. I wanted to be able to take a step towards him without my anxiety restraining me. I imagined being so close to him that I could feel his warm breath against my neck. I'd nervously reach down to grab his hand in my own and trail my thumb over the back to feel how smooth he actually is before interlocking our fingers. I'd bring my free hand up to his cheek and caress it gently. I'd be trapped within his blue irises at first glance and wouldn't dare attempt to escape. I wouldn't be able to stop stroking his cheek because I'd be too amazed by how soft it is.

My mind was so wrapped up in the wonder of what it'd be like to physically touch someone, the sudden creaking sound of the door made me jump back in fear. When my stance faltered, I instinctively flung my arms out to regain my balance. I straightened up my posture and glanced over at Phil to see if he had witnessed that embarrassing moment. Relief washed over me when his face was still neutral.

"Chris—No!" I heard a voice shout from inside the door.

I felt my anxiety peak once the door was slammed opened. The loud bang of wood quickly colliding into wood made me flinch back slightly. I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed in several unsteady breaths. I will never forgive myself for agreeing to this. I had placed myself in a position where I'd not only be surrounded by obnoxious noises but strangers as well. The two things that I've struggled with my entire life. I clenched both of my fists and held them tightly to my sides. I was beginning to think I should've mentioned my disorder and all of its flaws to Phil. I'm sure he would've at least attempted to understand the internal conflict I undergo every day.