My Journal

Eating Disorder

So...I think most of us have had a little bit of an eating disorder or have considered having one.

But before we get into that, you can't CHOOSE to have an eating disorder, it's a diet that just becomes more and more extreme. So... My eating disorder.

As much as I hated the thought, I couldn't stop myself. 

People would joke about the fat my arms or thighs carried and soon I noticed I was losing my figure and gaining weight.

I finally decided to start working out when I felt like one of my dresses was a bit more snug than it was last year.

After about a month of working out for an hour after school every other day, I noticed big changes.

My stomach was nearly flat, I had nice curves and I finally began showing a descent sized thigh gap. 

I was happy :)

But then I fell back into depression when some family issues came back up and I didn't have any energy to work out.

I quickly began gaining back the weight and decided to start working out again, but with testing coming up I had little to no time.

I gained a couple of bullies towards the end of the school year and they began comparing me to one of my friends.

I felt like any tiny bit of self esteem and confidence I had in me had been completely drained and I finally saw how much weight i had gained.

At first it was just simple things like not buying chips or a cookie at lunch, but I felt like it wasn't enough and soon I was only eating the three daily meals, which we all know isn't bad at all.

But as Summer approached and more pictures of thin girls in swim suits appears all over the internet, I felt like I wasn't losing enough fast enough.

I began skipping breakfast, only eating half of my lunch and trying my best to get out of eating dinner, or at least eat as little as possible without raising any suspicion.

By the last month of school, I was barely touching my lunch and I didn't even want to think about dinner.

Once school ended I was down at 106 pounds, but it still seemed like too much; I didn't see the girl I wanted to see when I looked in the mirror.

I decided it was better to just not consume at all. I only ate when my mom brought food or was in the room with me, and I only ate half of what I had at that.

So when she's working and is too tired to get food, I don't eat at all and cook for my sister. I didn't have a problem not eating; I would eat about once every two to three days.

The only issue my body seemed to be having was that I was constantly nauseous and I would feel exhausted if I did anything that involved me moving around too much.

It got to the point where I had even collapsed onto the floor after picking up my sister from Summer school.

I knew I had to tell someone I could trust so I only told two people: My best friend since third grade and my boyfriend.

My friend didn't judge me and since she had a similar issue, we made a deal that I would eat if she din't throw up her meals.

Of course, it's not that easy so we don't even bring it up anymore.

My boyfriend though, has been constantly checking up on me and always asks about it at the end of each day.

I'm really lucky to have people in my life who care about me this way and I know I'll get over this phase, and help others too on the way.

Okay guys, you now know one of my biggest secrets! If any of you are struggling with a similar issue and need advice, please message me. I want to help you guys through everything especially after how you guys help me with everything I go through and the least I can do is help back. I had written this story a while ago in a journal, and by a while ago I mean like, a week. Now I weigh like 103 but it's slowly going up and that's not really helping the cause, so yeah.

I love you guys!

~Even monsters can love~