Silence

Chapter Thirty Six - Justifying or Blaming?

AN:- SHE FINALLY SAID IT!! AAAHHHH! 🤣  What's gonna happen next tho... 🧐🤔

"SeungHyun the reason I had been so ill back then wasn't just because I was working myself to the bone it was actually because of the fact that I was pregnant..."

At my confession, his hands went icy still in mine, and after a long stretched out pause I mustered up the courage to look him directly in the face to see his shocked expression staring back vacantly at me.

"SeungHyun?" I licked my dry lips, my heart faltering at his uncanny mute face.

"Say something!" I shook his arm as he still didn't respond, my own head pounding at the onslaught of negative thoughts bombarding my brain at his ongoing silence."Please say something!"

"Pregnant?!" He repeated with a broken tone, gazing at me completely baffled.

"Y-ye-"

"You were pregnant?!" His voice went higher at that, the strain of his vocal cords piercing my eardrums sharply.

I hung my head in shame, his repeated stunned words sounding like a harsh judgment of my character. All of a sudden I heard him take in a sharp breath, and wearily I looked up at his pale face to see him staring in complete and utter shock at me.

Now what was he going to say to me...?!

"You were pregnant with my child..." He gulped as he stared accusatorily at me. "...weren't you?"

"I swear to you I didn't plan any of it!" I immediately jumped to justifications hating the look of shocked anguish on his face. "I didn't plan any of this, believe me, I didn't!"

"You..." He screwed his brows together, his hand petting his temples gingerly. "Oh man, my head is pounding."

I winced at the strain he must be feeling, guilt riding in me like a hurricane. "I didn't know this would happen and I tried reaching out to you once I was discharged from the hospital but I could never get through to you." 

I immediately began belting out my reasons for this stretched silence at him, not wanting him to wrongly assume anything! I stared at his face carefully seeing an abundance of emotions flicker across every few seconds, my heart sinking deeper at each passing fleet of them.

He sat there stunned at my confession as if he expected me to have laughed in his face and denied the claim that I had mothered his child- well more specifically been the one to have given birth to not one but three of his children! He stayed remote and silent, not giving any thought of his away, on his impassive face. The only thing that was giving him away was the storm of emotions waging war in his deep orbs. 

"I got your number off of YoungBae once I was discharged from the hospital but when I called you some woman answered the call and wouldn't let me speak with you." I was tripping over myself in my haste to get the whole story out, his expressionless face scaring me. 

"I tried calling you again, numerous time throughout my pregnancy but it was always the same woman or this man who would answer and each time I asked to speak to you they would shrug off my requests and hang up the call, claiming you were busy and couldn't talk."

I played nervously with my fingers as I spoke, drawing comfort from the fact that I was finally taking this massive step for my children's sake and whatever the outcome would be of this, YoungBae was right when he said that I at least wouldn't feel as crippled with guilt anymore as I had for the past three years that I had kept this all to myself.

"I tried one last time to call you when I went into labour but this time my call wouldn't even go through to you anymore and I realised that you must have either changed your number or blocked mine and so after that I gave up trying to call you, not having any hope left in me to carry on believing that I could count on you to support me through this..."

He flinched at that, his jaw hardening to steel as he ground his teeth together. His head was lowered at a tilt so I couldn't even see his face anymore but the slight changes in his stance were notably visible and I felt my throat clam up at his menacing type actions.

I sighed, taking a hand through my hair now just wanting to get this all off of my chest once and for all now that I had finally taken the big step. Looking down at my fingers I carried on talking, my heartbeat drumming like a firecracker as I relieved myself of the burden that I had been lugging around for so many years.

"I was really angry and upset with you for a very long time after that." I lightly frowned remembering that day as if it had just happened yesterday, the details so vehemently clear even till now in my mind.

"Once I gave birth and held my children in my arms for the first time I vowed to never ever call you again for your help in raising my children but Eomma kept on managing to convince me every time to change my mind and give you another chance, time and time again." Sighing I took a breath, playing with my rings as I let him take in all that I had said.

"At their firsts steps."

I smiled to myself. "The time they first started talking."

His eyes flickered up to mine, the raw pain that radiated in them heart-wrenchingly strong. "The times they were ill..."

Even though he was silent, I knew he was listening intently to everything that I was saying. His eyes fluttered away from mine, his side profile showing me clearly how much of a tolling penalty this was taking on him.

"The times they cried for you..."