Forever and Always.

Chanter 14

Olivier had a nightmare, one of the many he usually has, he was trained to kill, he was a killing machine, he is not proud about it and he does not like to talk about it either.

''Olivier, baby wake up. Olivier!" I say and he sits up straight holding me to his chest, his body sweaty as he cries into my neck.

"I did what I was supposed too... I-I God I hated that job." he whispers crying and I just hold him, running my hand over his hair rocking him back and forth.

"Is okay baby, is okay. I am here, okay? I got you." I whisper against his neck. He sighs and lays down, his head on my chest and arms around me and closes his eyes softly nuzzling me. I slowly run my hand up and down his back his naked body pressed to mine, I sigh and kiss his forehead. "I love you." I whisper more to myself than to him, he was asleep already his breathing slow. Unfortunately to me sleep was far gone, I sat there contemplating the meaning of life, one day you're here the next is not guaranteed.  I went through hell and back thinking Olivier was dead, the simplest things like coffee or sleeping were the hardest considering we used to do it all together. I missed his words, his kisses, his touch. I missed everything, now is my grandmother, and she is not coming back, she is not to magically appear when I am in danger. I sigh and slowly move from under him, and put on a robe, I head to the kitchen and drink a cup of water. I head back to the room and look at the clock. 4:30 am, in 30 minutes my grandma is to get up. 

  Once she is awake I make her breakfast and sit with her.

"Is Olivier still sleeping?" she smiles and takes a bite of her eggs.

"Yeah, he had a tough night." I sigh and take a sip of my coffee.

"Oh, that's not good, are you two okay? He loves you mija, he really does." she says and I smile nodding.

"He does, and I do him. How is work?" I asks and she smiles telling me about her job. She leaves at 5:30 and I head back to the room, Olivier is sitting in the bed, his head on his hands.

"I am sorry, I haven't had the chance to properly say it, I was thinking that maybe I would be able to stray away from that, you know? Make us forget what happened, but it's there Nicole, every time I look at you I can see the pain I made you got through, I can see how much I fucked you over and I should have never accepted that assignment." he says and looks at me, I nod.

"You did fuck me up pretty bad, it was hell Olivier, without you everything was hard but we're over that okay? We're okay." I whisper.

"I've never loved anyone before you, and I won't love anyone after, but I need to know you've forgiven me." he whispers my hands in his.

"I've forgiven you." I whisper and kiss him softly. "I forgave you long ago."

As I made Olivier dinner later that day, I continued to contemplate the reason of life. Everyone has an expiration day, no one really knows when, how or even why. It's life and you're forced to accept it, there is no option. Your faith is decided for you since before you're born. I believe in God, I may not believe in heaven or hell but I do believe in him which to me is enough, Olivier believes in God and heaven and hell, something he never understood was my logic. I smile at that and shake my head. Everything is so complicated, society wants you to accept yourself, yet they expect you to fit a stereotype. I shake my head. Am I the only person who believes you just need to be yourself? That there is so much more than what you are in the outside? Maybe not, maybe there is a couple of millions like me, that know the struggle of not fitting in, of being different. Maybe one day I'll understand how I ended up so lucky, I might have been one hell of a good person in another life. "Honey." I feel arms around me "What's up?" Olivier asks me, I smile and close my eyes.

"Nothing making you dinner and you know thinking about life and love and you." he smiles as I say this as he kisses my neck.

"Me?" he asks and bites my earlobe.

"Yes, you happen to occupy most of my thoughts since the day I've met you." I say honestly and turn the stove off after I am finished.

"I could say the same about you darling. The fact that you're the reason I live." he whispers and sighs happily as my father walks in.

"Nicole, Olivier, I haven't seen you in a couple days." he smiles and kisses my forehead. I sigh a little and look at him,  him and I don't have the best relationship, he left my mom when she was pregnant, he cheated making it hard for me to trust men.

"Yeah I wonder why." I say bitterly and serve Olivier some food, he is quiet looking at the both of us. My 'dad' comes a little closer.

"What the fuck is your problem?" he asks, when I was younger he intimidated me, I was scared, I never said anything because of my grandma but now nothing was holding me back, absolutely nothing.

"Listen here you piece of shit, I have been extremely polite, never questioning your reasoning or your life choices, I've let you walk over me all my life, let you walk out and back in again whenever you please, all because of abuela, but now you're over stepping a line, now you're this close," I use my hands to show him how close. "To making me leave and never look back, you're making me hate you and that's something I promised myself not to do. You're the reason I've always had trust issues and you're the reason it was hard for me to say yes to my wonderful husband. So I would suggest you leave me the fuck alone." I say and breath.

"That's no way to speak to your father.'' he says and glares.

" Father?! Respect?! I don't owe you shit! you're not a father! Even a dog is a better father than you!" I say and his hand raises. A hand grabs his.

"Don't you dare to touch her, I will break your arm, you lost your rights the day you walked out of her life." Olivier growls and my dad pulls away leaving the house.

"Nicole." Oliver says and my eyes are full of tears.

"Just eat, I I need to go to the bathroom." I whisper.