Metanoia; Yi Jinzie

Twenty-Two;

It's too beautiful here, it's too heart-breaking for this place to be this gorgeous.

I see outlines of mountains and if I look hard enough I can see the river. There is my family here standing in black suits and formal dresses, hands covered in gloves. 

The day was here, all assets and legal processes had been done. And now was the final moment, the final goodbye.

The sun hung low in the sky, casting shadows over the tall trees. It was noon. The guests were beginning to arrive. I invited my band members as well as Bangtan, maybe to make up for them never being able to meet my father. My sister and I exchanged a few nods and words but we hadn't spoken much. My mother hadn't bothered to visit me in the hospital. Jin didn't visit either. 

I still have the roses but I don't know who they're from. Still. 

My mother and I, we hadn't said anything to each other outside of necessary things. We didn't touch upon emotion because of the uncertainty of how to deal with grief, confusion, and guilt. I let my eyes wander around the flowers, the trees, the grass beneath my feet. 

Mist clouded the sky but the faint sun was still visible. I took a deep breath of the countryside air, shoved my hands into the pockets of my coat and headed back inside to the refreshments room.  

--Time Skip--

Tables with flowers and fancy napkins and porcelain plates with small biscuits and sandwiches on them. I looked around the delicately decorated room and I felt the whispers of sadness whirl around me, a layer of voices that made an envelope around me. I let my legs walk themselves to the back room, I felt my body moving and yet all I could feel was the pressure of air slamming into my chest, all I could see were scarlet drops on shattered glass, all I could hear were screams,  yells, shrieks of anguish. 

It wouldn't stop.

"I hope you're ready, keep your emotions in control please," my mother's monotone voice says and I look up from my hands. She looked perfect, almost like an older porcelain doll. Not a wrinkle, not a dark circle in sight. 

"I don't know if you're human or not, " I look straight ahead, not bothering to look at my mother, the woman I called my mother. I don't have to look at her to see the posture break, the skin crease, the hands trembling, the eyes watering. This woman was breaking and maybe I didn't care. 

"I'm trying, I really am. Do you think this isn't hard for me too?" her shaky voice asks me. I continue staring straight ahead, my mind searching for sympathy. But it wasn't there. 

"Jinzie please look at me," she reaches down and holds my hands, and she bends down so that she can make eye contact with me. I sit poised on my chair and let her eyes search mine, maybe she's trying to find the young girl I was before. 

"Sometimes I wonder, do you remember everything before it came crashing down? Before you built your business empire, do you remember happiness or love? Anything at all?" my voice unnaturally calm. My eyes were not wet and my heart was still, there were no emotions.

What am I doing? Who am I?

"I didn't love your father, I never did," she stands up and looks up at the ceiling to prevent the flood. "What a surprise," I said softly. 

"I thought I did, but it was not loving. He loved me and I used his love as a sign of validation because for once I had value, I was wanted by someone. I was selfish. I willingly sacrificed my health for beauty. I was everything. Everyone wanted to be me, but I wanted to be anyone but me," she looks at me, and for once she looks fragile. 

"I got into the best high school around, I went to the best college in Korea. I was Class President for all four straight years of high school. Teacher's favorite, well-rounded, and yet there was always an emptiness lurking inside. Because the high of having the whole student body applaud you in awe only lasts so long. Eating only filled up the emptiness for so long until it was time to go throw up in fear of gaining weight. Until he came and he offered validation. And I took validation as love," her voice wavers and nearly breaks.

There was an ache somewhere, not from my heart. Maybe my soul. 

"And I took that validation until I felt real love," she closes her eyes, anguish on her features. 

"I had an affair while your father was in America, you were still so young and Soo Ra was still so young. When he came back, he figured it out and he left again, after a million fights. You were caught in it, you and your sister, so he left for the best. I became a workaholic to distract myself. And he never stopped loving me, I wished he did," she opens her eyes and the rims are red. 

"He loved you until the last moment, he still defended you. And you betrayed him for someone else," I think back to the car ride where he had told me to go easy on my mother.

"I wish he didn't love me. I wish I knew to take care of you, I didn't mean for you to become an idol. You had so much potential," she shakes her head like I was something who had gone wrong. An experiment that had turned out wrong, a mutation. 

"And you still think this is a mistake? That me being an idol is the result of something bad?" I shake my head. 

"You won't ever understand, will you? You never will, "I say after a moment. I felt the cold truth seep into my already frozen insides. I had to accept this because I knew there was a still a part of me desperately clinging to the hope of making my mother proud.

"I don't understand. I won't and I wish I could, but it's pointless to have this argument over and over again. Maybe one day I'll realize, but until then, forgive me," she unclasps her hands. 

I look up at her and for once, my eyes are dry. Her eyes are not.

"Forgive me. I'm sorry," a tear escapes her eyes and she doesn't bother to brush it away. 

I could hear her heart cracking, I could see her holding it all together. Maybe mine was too, but I couldn't tell anymore. And for the first time, she had apologized to me.

"I forgive you," I said, not because I did but because my soul needed to let it go. My soul needed to heal. 

I looked at my fragile mother and I wanted to embrace her in a hug. I wanted things to be like they were before it went to ruin. I wanted her to comfort me and tell me all the things that a mother should to a daughter. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, I wanted to hug my mother. 

But I got up from my chair and smoothed out my expression, 

"I wish you well on the speech. Thank you for planning the funeral." 

For once, I had gotten the last word. For once, I was the one who had left. 

I had left because I was a bitch. Because I was a coward. 

Because isn't that all I do? Run away and leave when I get scared? I run from my feelings, I ran from my mother. 

I ran from Jin. My friends don't deserve me.

It's my fault that I feel alone.