You Never Know

In the Present

My heart was beating faster than I thought was humanly possible. I had to concentrate on the trees that were blurred as we drove past in order to stay conscious. The car seemed to be driving slower than a turtle with only one leg. Can't you go any faster? I tried to say, but no words came out. It felt as if I were paralyzed. I took deep breaths in an effort to remain calm.

"Are you okay?" I heard Aunt Karen ask me from what sounded like a million miles away. "What?" I managed to choke out as I slowly started snapping back into reality. "You look sick. Do you need me to take you back?" I heard her say. I looked her straight in the eye. "No," I said a little too forcefully. I couldn't see her face after I said this because I turned my gaze back towards the window, but I'd imagine it wasn't pretty.

Even though I was staring out the window, I couldn't see anything outside. Instead, I saw images of Hailey flashing before my eyes. I saw her sitting on the swings, begging for me to push her. I saw her sitting on her bay window, whispering to the stars, claiming they could hear her every word. I saw her laughing at me while I danced around the room with her best friend, who was helping me practice for the school dance. I saw her braiding her long mahogany-colored hair with that same concentrated look on her face that she always used when she was focusing on something. I saw her hugging me after I had just had a bad day, telling me she would always be there for me. And then she faded away. And then I was back inside the car, staring out a window, back in the present. The same present that does not have my sister in it. The same present where I am going to go see her in the hospital, praying she'll be alive.

"Chase, we're here." I snapped back into reality. Here we were, sitting in a car that is parked in the hospital parking lot, the same hospital where my twin sister was currently laying in a bed, probably surrounded by tubes and doctor equipment, where we have nothing to do but wait for her to wake up. I cover my face with my hands and stay seated. "It's okay, Chase," Aunt Karen says almost too quiet to hear. "It's okay to not want to go in there." I had nothing to say to that, so I don't say anything at all. "But she needs you. She needs her twin brother to help her along the way. We just gotta be strong, Chase." She's close to tears now, and I understand why. She's not wrong. Hailey does need me, and it's my job to be strong enough to help her. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

The first thing I noticed when I enter the hospital is how cold it is. Hailey hates the cold. She will get cold so easily. I wonder if you can feel temperature when you're in a coma. I know I had been in there just yesterday, but that hospital seemed entirely different than what it was last night. It seemed brighter in here, filled with more people bustling around. It also happens to be extremely freezing. How cold can a building be? Last night was a blur. I don't remember most of it. All I remember was hearing the news about my sister, and doing anything I could to see her. 

Aunt Karen went up to check us in, so I sat in one of the waiting room chairs. My eyes wandered to the pile of Covet Fashion magazines lying in the middle of the table. A feeling of disgust rushed over me. Who in their right mind would pick up a magazine about the latest fashion trend when they have a loved one hurt and sick enough to be in the hospital? These people are sick. 

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud voice yelling "Chase!" I looked up to see my aunt waving her hands up in the air, trying to get me to notice her. I stood up and walked over to her. "They're ready for us," she said.

The doctor standing next to Aunt Karen led us towards the doors. Those were the same set of doors I was desperately trying to get through last night. Last night I wanted nothing more than to walk freely inside them. But this morning, now that I'm actually given the chance to, I want nothing more than to leave. I don't want to know what's beyond those doors. What if it's something I can't handle? I know I should be wanting to see her, but right now I just want to go back to the comfort of the warm bed I laid in last night.