no savior.

no surprise

Layne's POV

After work I stop by the store, picking up a six pack of wine coolers and a new notebook. As I head home to my apartment, my mind swims with thoughts. I still had yet to answer any of her calls, but she'd continued calling. I still listened to everyone though, the content ranging from message to message. Some of them remorseful and some of them cocky.

"Layne, I'm sorry I left... I promise I'll explain everything... I love you." 

"Layne, I really wish you were by my side right now... Do you miss me?"

"Layne--- I understand if you don't want to talk to me... But can you at least tell me that? I need to hear your voice..."

"Layne, are you seriously just going to keep ignoring me? I know you miss me... God knows how much I miss you..."

I put my coolers in the freezer and then head to my room. I take a seat at my desk, trying to think of a way to rationalize my thoughts. I pull out my notebook and put my pen to paper, sorting through the mess of my mind via a pro and con chart.

Pro: She makes me laugh

Con: She's so childish

Pro: She's cute

Con: She can't communicate for shit

Pro: She tries to communicate for me

Con: She's still awful at it

I spend hours going back and forth with myself. Finally I give up. You can't reason out love.

I close my notebook in defeat. I wish I had my mom. She wouldn't have understood but she would've tried.

She would've asked me "Do you love her?"

And I would've answered, "Yes ma'am," Because that's the truth. I love Kaylie Jane Michaels.

And then she would've looked me in the eyes and asked me, "What are you gonna do about that?"

I open my notebook back up, turning to a clean sheet.

Dear Kaylie Jane,

Yes I miss you. I miss you so much it fucking hurts. For a week I've woken up and you haven't been there. I see you in my dreams and it's so real I'm surprised when you aren't laying in bed next to me when I wake up. Your lips haven't really touched mine. I haven't really breathed in your scent of herb and spices. And I want to talk to you. But I don't know what I feel right now. There's love there for you. But there's other stuff there too. And as much as I couldn't imagine seeing you right now, I don't think I could handle never seeing you again...

I stop writing and reread what I have already. A tear rolls off my cheek, splattering on the page. Max runs into my room, demanding my attention. I run my hands through his shaggy hair.

"Layne?" Dil knocks, peering into my room, "Are you okay?"

I wipe my cheek, "I'm fine. What's up?"

"Dinner's ready," he grins, clearly proud of himself for something.

"I know you didn't cook," I'm already suspicious, "And Dru's out of town."

"Shut up," I follow him into the living room, where recognizable boxes are on the table.

"You did not drive all the way to Georgie's for me?"

"You've seemed down," he shrugs, "Just wanted to cheer you up."

I take a seat and we dig in, a crime thriller playing in the background to our dinner. For the first time in a while Dil and I find ourselves enjoying each other's company. I'm reminded of a time when we weren't just cousins or siblings but actually friends.  Dil was the first person to know I was gay, and then to know about not only Ray, but also to know about KJ, too.