"Carl sama. How are you desu?" I asked, wiping my son's forehead with a warm wash rag.
"Dad," he whispered, staring up at me with exhausted eyes. After days of hard work, Eugene had cured his autism. Sure, he couldn't do basic math like 5o+228425uwet-294823x=2459453845 but he was my son again, forever mine. I smiled warmly.
"Allow me to say a prayer," Father Gabey bowed. The power of christ compelled me.
"Mm, fresh," Simon chuckled, slurping gelato. I slapped him across the face dramatically. This was an important moment. Not time for ice cream.
"Good news, Carl," I whispered.
"What, Dad?" he whispered back.
"We're going to the monon center. Isn't that exciting?" I murmured, caressing his face.
"Yay," he said.
Yes. The monon center. The best place, ever. Except the lifeguards were all pr*cks. I sauteed in, my Lucille-patterned swim trunks looking fabulous on my thunderous thighs. I forced "King" Ezekiel to weave them out of his graying dreadlocks. A great decision, I may admit. My hot wife Lucille looked s*xy in her custom made bikini.
"Um, I'm self conscious about my body," Dwight whimpered, covering up his scrawny, fragile chest. It was as pale as his face the day I told him I stole his woman. Haha, I'm terrible.
"Yes, swimming!" Simon boomed, shaking his fists in the air. A child screamed for its mother upon seeing his hairy chest.
Carl trotted beside me, his cowboy hat attached adorably to his small head. Eugene lugged the pool supplies behind us. His flabby man boobs jiggled with every step. He was out of breath in seconds.
I looked at the checklist of supplies. It seemed everything was in order. Black turtleneck in case Dwight gets too self conscious, capris suns, doritos, cheetos, sunscreen, towels, margarita maker for baby Simon, pizza, McDonald's coupons, and most importantly, candy for my son Carl. He preferred reese's hearts. I had stolen many from the grocery store.
"Time to eat!" I yelled, pulling a picnic table away from a 4 year old's birthday party. Cake included, b*tch.
The snacks were sprawn across the table. We stirred up the margaritas. "Um, you can't do that here," a pr*cky lifeguard corrected.
I pulled it down from its chair and Lucilled it. The subhuman creature writhed in despair. No one seemed to mind my latest atrocity. I slathered sunscreen on my hairy chest.
Eugene tried to run and dive into the pool but slipped and crashed into the water with a big splash. I cackled, chuckling heartily while eating the birthday party cake. Speaking of which, no one got me a d*mn birthday present! I mean sure, my birthday was months ago, but that was no f*cking excuse. I was mad.
But then, I saw her. Maggie, something middle name, Rhee. She was beautiful. I stared in awe at her beauty. Her perfect brown hair swept over her face perfectly. Her eyes, full of compassion yet also the power to murder anyone, flickered happily. I guess it was a girls day out in the hilltop.
"Be right back, son. I gotta go flirt with Maggie chan," I chuckled, rubbing Carl's head as he confusedly tried to figure out how to do sunscreen.
I slicked my hair back, seductively approaching my Maggie chan. She was chatting with Tara and Rosita. I was conflicted. Do I excessively and pretentiously compliment Maggie chan, or scream "NOW KISS" in Tara and Rosita's faces? Nope. Maggie chan was most important.
"So, are you a fruit? Because you are juicy," I chuckled, very hotly putting my hand on my hip.
"Leave," Maggie snapped.
I was taken aback. "Excuse me? I'm trying to flirt with you," I said, bewildered.
"Back off. She's mine," Tara threatened.
"NO! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ROSITA! KISS!" I hollered, pointing at the pigtailed beauty.
"Ew. Die," Rosita said.
"There a problem, ladies?" Daryl asked, showing off his dirty muscles.
"UGH!" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air. I stomped back to my gang at the table. They would support me through my pain. Carl was giving Lucille a bite of cake. I knew I could count on him to support his mother.
"I love you. Marry me," Simon said to his tequila bottle. I slammed my fist down, accidentally bonking a kid's head. And after he told me hE DIDN'T LIKE IT!
Dwight was crying in the pool. Eugene floated lazily. "One two three AHHHH!" I yelled, throwing Carl in the pool. He splashed with a wail.
"Y-You hurt him!" Father Gabey sputtered.
"I DID?!" I hollered, clutching my skull. Carl was facedown in the water. Oh sh*t!
"Don't worry, sir Negan. I will perform CPR," Eugene saluted, caressing the child's body. He pounded air into his chest. It only took a second for Carl to start breathing again.
"Carl, you're alive!" I cried, hugging him tightly. I held him in my arms, cherishing every beam of life that passed through his veins. Truly, not even death could stop my fatherly love.
