We pulled up to the hilltop gates. Smoothly, of course. We crept out of the car, sneaking to the fence. No guard in sight.
"Eugenius. Time for your plan," I declared.
"Yes sir," he replied, pulling out a notebook full of schemes. "If you look carefully, you'll see that the hilltop palace only faces one direction. Not referring to the pre-apocalypse overrated wannabe heavy metal teenage boy band, of course. If we simply climb over the fence in the back, they won't sight us."
"Genius," I approved, giving him a pat on the back.
"But, we need to locate Carl," Dwight pointed out. I shhed him like an angry middle-aged librarian who lost her job to a robot at walmart. No one DARED interrupt the Eugenius.
We climbed over the fence. The hillghetto was fast asleep. Jerry, who was supposed to be standing guard, was asleep with his face collapsed in a pile of cobbler. I ate a carrot from the garden, then spat it in disgust. D*mn! Don't they have a d*mn warning sign that there's a carrot in the garden?!
"OW!" I hollered as I tripped over a rock.
"Negan sama, shh!" Dwight exclaimed. I pinched him with a little kid barrette I found in the dirt from Judith. She was such an adorable little b*tch.
I started humming a tune to myself to keep boredom away. New homemade rap rhythm, b*tch. My subjects waddled behind me. Eugene looked like he wanted to politely say, "shh", but, all knew the dire consequences of disrespecting I, the great Negan. I was such a fan favorite that all questionable activities against my greatness would be quandered immediately.
"Now, we climb in through the window," I announced, leaning a ladder against the wall of the hilltop palace.
"Well I think it'd be better to just go through the door, but," Simon input, very annoyingly.
"NOT EVERYTHING REQUIRES YOUR TWO CENTS, siMON!" I hollered, bonking him on the head.
People were rustling within. It was apparent that my hollering was attracting attention. Uh oh. "Guys, we gotta hide," I said.
"No. We must infiltrate," Eugene insisted, climbing up the ladder and slipping in the window. Machine gun firing and high pitched screaming followed a second later.
"This is boring. I wanna go home," Simon decided, walking away. I lured him back in with a trail of hostess donuts. He was defenseless against sugary goods.
"N-Negan. My arm hurts," Dwight complained.
"My ArM hUrTs," I mocked. He choked back tears. I giggled at how sad he was.
We went to the front door of the hilltop castle. Luckily for us, Eugenius had sacrificed his own life so we could sneak in. I wiped a tear from my frugal eye, truly moved by his sacrifice. I always knew he was selfless. The door was unlocked. We waltzed in.
Daryl snored on the couch. He smelled like barbecued roadkill. I chuckled. Ew. The children were sprawled across the floor. Time to implement our plan.
"Let's infect them," I declared. Simon injected children with zombie guts. That's for shooting Lucille in the a**, b*tch!
"But, I thought we were getting Carl," Dwight protested.
"D. That comes later. Revenge, first," I chuckled.
"OH. MY. GOD!" Tara screamed, seeing us huddled in the living room. She dropped her special edition golden oreo cupcake on the floor with a splat. Her pajama shirt said "I like men like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer". I motioned for her to shh. Simon ate the cupcake off the floor.
The children started to rise, undead. We had to be quick. "Carl?" I whispered, peering around. We had to sneakily sneak up the stairs. I could hear Eugene's muffled sobbing.
"Come, children," I beckoned. Simon got sidetracked by a jar of jelly beans on the stair shelf. Maggie dropped a vase over the balcony on his head.
"That was my FAVORITE!" Gregory howled.
The large mustached man began to cry, rubbing his eyes with his furry hands. "Aww, no!" I gasped, cuddling him in my arms and letting him suckle on a twinkie. It took a moment for him to calm down.
"You gotta be kiddin me," Michonne commented from the top of the stairs.
"Look, there he is!" Dwight pointed.
I put a condescending gloved hand on his shoulder, disappointed. "D, that's a cardboard cutout of the chuck e cheese mouse," I chuckled awkwardly. Simon angrily kicked it. It fell on him, knocking him down the stairs.
"Haha! Karma, b*tch!" Gregory cackled. I socked him in the face. No cussing around me.
"Dad!" Carl cried, reaching out for me with his stubby arms. The hilltoppers had dressed him in very awful, hand me down dollar store pajamas. I was taken aback. Only luxury items could be permitted to adorn my son.
"Carl, baby! What have they done to you?!" I gasped, scooping him up in my arms like a cute a** toddler.
"Stop! That's Rick's son! He doesn't belong to you!" Maggie shouted.
"Who?" Carl asked, his bedazzled eyes dazzling with confusion.
"Maggie chan. Please refrain from bringing that scraggly man up," I instructed, gently covering Carl's soft ears.
"No! First you ruin the Walking Dead! Then you steal Carl!" Maggie argued. "I'm sick of your lies, Negan! Get out and NEVER come back!"
"Dad, are you...lying to me?" Carl whispered, blinking up at me with his one gentle eye. Or was he winking at me? Hehe, I love handicapped people.
"NO!" I yelled. Quickly, I slung Carl over my shoulder and hurried down the steps. Simon & D clumsily followed.
"B-But what about me?!" Eugene demanded from where he was handcuffed to Judith's plastic little tykes play set. Ugh, cheap.
"Thank you for your sacrifice, friend," I whispered. He would be remembered in all of savior history as the bravest hero to ever grace our presence.
"Negan sama, no! I'm a big coward! Save me!" he begged. But it was too late. We had to get home to bathe and rehabilitate Carl.
