The Empty Parking Lot Across the Street

Part 7

      Alone. It was like I had never experienced loneliness until now. I was rediscovering this feeling in a way I hadn't before. There was no warmth near my skin, no arms around my torso, and no chest to cuddle up against. The lack of comfort tortured me through the nights as if I were a drug addict going through withdrawals. His name echoed in my head repeatedly. The memories came back to me one by one and became very specific down to the last touch of his hand. I caught myself mimicking the way he touched my jawline and my sides, wrapping myself up with my own arms. I doodled Jake's name at school and wrote full pages of each night we spent together to try to cope. It was obvious there was something wrong with me. Those pages of the memories we shared were extremely detailed as if I were experiencing it at that moment. Some might call it obsession.
      So much time had gone by, and I managed to make friends with people who all knew Jake personally. I even became best friends with the girl Jake first tried to pursue. When I met her at a friend's birthday party, all I could think was 'this is the girl... This is the girl'. She was so sweet and energetic. I see what he saw in her. I ended up crying and talking to her about how Jake was involved with us. She felt terrible, but she instantly became my support.
      After six months of living with my cousins, around Thanksgiving, I moved back to my own house and felt a lot better about life. I switched schools and made great new friends that didn't know Jake existed. I was making art and discovering new music. I managed to get in a great, real relationship with the nicest guy, Mitchell. We really clicked before I moved back to my house on Halloween night where we held hands. Unfortunately, he and Jake were buddies, so I became paranoid whenever I went to his house. I finally decided I should tell Mitchell what had happened between us so he could make sure I'd never see him. To be honest, it made the relationship quite sad because I had this sort of 'post traumatic stress' going on. Whenever I entered the city, The only thing going through my mind was if I'd run into Jake somehow, somewhere. I didn't want to see him... I thought. I didn't know how he or I would react to that situation, so I tried to avoid it.
      I wrote a very long letter to Jake as my therapist suggested, saying everything I wanted him to know. Mitchell knew this, and offered to take it to him. That letter was never responded to, nor did it help my psychological situation, but It was relieving to have no words left unsaid. There was always this curiosity inside me wondering what he thought, or if he even read it all the way through. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!
      This relationship I was in ended brutally 4 months later and I was left brokenhearted and alone again. Just in time for summer... Thanks jerk. He pushed me out of existence and refused to try to be friends. I would mention more but It's a whole other story and completely irrelevant. All you need to know about that time is that I loosened up and became more open about the physical aspect of a relationship. we didn't go all the way, but unknown hands were touching what used to be restricted areas.
      I was distorted. Making out with a random guy out of peer pressure to 'make me feel better' was not something I thought I'd resort to. It also didn't help. I hated the thought of myself taking those actions. Anxiety peeked and depression came back. I couldn't live without comfort. I didn't like not having someone to do everything with, get me treats, give me cuddles and kisses... I needed to talk to somebody. ANYBODY... Stalking a Facebook page at 11 O' Clock pm, my eyes stared at a familiar face... It's been over a year and a half.
      Within minutes I had tapped the 'message' icon on the page. I could only stare at the blinking text cursor with eyes wide open not making a move. The steady breath from my mouth came from a place deep within me. A dark place that tickled my ribs and chased my heart rate. No, it would be stupid to even try talking to him. No, you're not going to choose him over the many friends you could reach out to right now. But they are probably all asleep... It's a school night. He's graduated... I just want to talk to somebody. What harm could it do?

'Help.' -Me

*Typing* -Him