The Empty Parking Lot Across the Street

Part 5

I didn't dare talk to Jake about what I had just learned. There was no telling how he would react. I didn't want to drag Lisa into the mix either, but I could only keep quiet for so long. It's a bit blurry, but I brought Lisa up to him over text and told him I knew about what had been going on. I began stalking his Facebook profile often looking at posts with girls he was hanging out with. Obsessed with what he was doing in his life, I would stare out my second story room window imagining him walking past the house I was staying at to go see Lisa as if I didn't exist.
There was a strong desire for his company growing inside of me. I couldn't ever get him off my mind accept for when I was in school around my crush. He was giving me comfort willingly without question. Even though he was mad at Lisa for unknowingly exposing him, he saw something in me that he didn't in the other girls. I didn't push him away. I kept talking to him.
Part of me lost all self-respect and I finally gave in to his clutch on my emotions. I was going to see him again even though I knew I shouldn't. It didn't help that I started taking double the dose of medication I was on because it wasn't enough before.
I switched rooms with my cousin for the night so Jake would be able to come in through a window with ease. She wasn't aware of the sneaky habit I had acquired. This would be the first time we would be in a comfortable warm place; A place where we could potentially get caught. That didn't stop us though.
Jake came through the window and I stood by him while he checked his phone. A picture of a blonde girl took up the space of his lock screen. My heart sank and my jaw clenched and became stiff. Was this another girl he was sneaking out with? I could feel tears collecting in the inner corners of my eyes. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to ask him who she was and demand to know more about his dirty secret. I didn't say anything... I blinked the tears away and ignored what I had just seen with my own eyes.
We cuddled up in the bed together and the unfortunate night continued. I remember his touch on my bare legs. I wore soft shorts and a plain, denim blue V-neck that I would soon want to burn and never see again. There was not a lot of kissing. Maybe it was because my mind could only think of who that girl on his phone could be. I'll be honest and tell you that I don't remember a lot of what happened or what was said. After some time, Jake spoke. I was not expecting this conversation...
"I think I want you, but I don't know. I don't want to hurt you," he explained quietly. He was referring to the fact that I knew something shady was going on with him and other girls. I don't remember anything I said that night besides the repetition of the word "touch!" followed by a poke, childishly pretending not to understand what he meant when he said that he wanted me to touch him. I remember the silence and the feeling in the depths of my stomach that told me to get him to leave. My head couldn't handle the stress of my emotions and the change in my medication anymore.
My body jerked up to a sitting position where my hands met my forehead and cradled my head. Almost instantly, I forced myself back down looking wide-eyed at the ceiling. Jake was now very awake from the movement I had caused my bed to undergo. He questioned me and I lied saying it was nothing. It wasn't long before I sat back up and held my legs close and rested my head down on my knees. Jake sat up next to me with his hand on my shoulder. I couldn't see his eyes but I knew they were on me.
I decided to tell him that my medication was messing with my mind. I left out the part where he was torturing my thoughts. He tried to comfort and pull me back down with him but I rejected it soon after. It got quiet. Really quiet. My tear ducts were begging for release of their reoccurring floods of liquid. My throat was screaming words my voice was too afraid to let out.
"I think you should leave."
I said it. There were no goodbyes. No hugs were exchanged. No hearts were full. He just left. I listened to a song by 'Goo Goo Dolls' called Iris, covered by 'Sleeping With Sirens' on repeat. I finally let the tears rush out and cried myself to sleep not texting Jake back at all for the remainder of the night.
One might ask me why I saw him that last night knowing he was a player. I ask myself that too. I know now that I was dumb, inexperienced and very depressed. I convinced myself that I needed all the physical comfort I could get that was introduced to me by him, from him. I was obsessed with the idea that it felt like something out of a movie. Ignorance was bliss...