Why A Family Is Not Always A Family

The Main Cause

April 18, 2018

I would like to introduce myself as Ky. My purpose for create this whole this is to vent out my problems.

I have a friend who I would always go to with the same crap and I feel bad for taking up his time with things that he couldn't even care less about. I like to write and it's the only thing that I feel secure enough to do when it comes to speaking out my mind.

It isn't how it may seem though. I am not abused. I'm not playing the streets or in a bad neighborhood. And I really can't complain about anything that I have been blessed enough to have. I have a warm home and an education and I'm leaving to college after next year (if I'm lucky) but that for another chapter.

My problem lies within my household though. Here's some background.

I am an 18 year old girl as of August 1st and a middle child of an all girl family. I am African American and I have the stereotypical missing father but for different, weird reason. I go to an average high school and my life couldn't be anymore normal. But my family is falling apart so quickly and I can't even say that I didn't see it coming.

My older sister who is around 13 years older than me is not on good terms with a woman that I wouldn't dare call "mom" or "mommy". They have been feuding for years and probably for the same reason that I can't stand her myself. It's the small things that build up.

It pushed to the point that my sister moved out and our "mother" (bad term. Let's call her "Cause") practically disowned her. She claims that my sister is "ungrateful" and "doesn't listen" but actually, she handles her own business and stays out of everyone's way. It was so severe that she didn't tell us where she went. She disappeared for the longest time only to text us (me and my other sister) very seldom and not reveal where she was or her condition in fear of Cause knowing.

I can't blame her. I have always wanted to do the same. Almost everyday is a fight about the dumbest shit and she never understands that I can't always be the "cause".

Of course she played favorites. All of us have parents that say "I have no favorite" but we can always point out that one sibling that takes the cake and the cupcakes and the pie and anything else that you could sometimes deserve too.

In my case, it is my younger sister who is only 2 years behind me. We get along the most but that girl can really tick me. I give her credit where it belongs though. Between her multiple college letters, straight A streak, and curves that are always pointed out, who could find a more perfect daughter. I barely get by with C's and D's and my few extracurricular activities.

My sister hugs Cause all the time and gives her kisses and talks to her but I have had the same problem that has sparked many arguments.

I don't like affection. Its a weird thing. I can always hug my friends and hold hands with them and I don't see a problem with kissing a boyfriend or my own kids but I can't stand the thought of giving Cause a hug or a kiss goodbye and good morning. I understand that she feels hurt but I can't help it. I can't be forced to do something that makes me so disgusted. She's yelled about how I would regret not taking any of the hugs or kisses she gives if something were to happen but I know I won't. I may mourn over her since she has taken care of me all this time and the tiniest of bonds still tie us but I wouldn't regret shit.

At age 13 or 14, I wanted to make a letter for her to find that explained my disdain for this life and why I hated her so much. I wrote 2 paragraphs and stopped knowing that she would start a fight and list off the non-existent reasons that she is a good mother. I threw the paper away, fearing the worst. Being kicked out though at this point I know that she wouldn't put her own kid out in the streets.

So many times I imagined the day I would have all of my stuff packed and an apartment ready for my move in. I would stand at the door with my things and scream at her the reasons I hated her guts and she would stand there unable to say a word. I would say my final argument and leave the house. Never coming back. But it was only a dream. It's practically what my older sister did but she left her stuff to get later and she didn't leave a final statement.

This thought had me thinking. She became a mother at the young age of 18 and had to handle it herself. That could be a factor in the whole ordeal. It rather she was never ready or she wasn't fit to be a "mother". Because if she were, she wouldn't have failed with two of her three kids.

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Thank you for reading. I will stop here since there is so much to say and I don't even know how many people would read this at all. So I'll continue if I have support. And please share your problems as well. Im sure that anyone that is here, including myself, would be all ears.