Why A Family Is Not Always A Family

A damper on myself

May 30, 2018

You guys. I have come to realize how truly depressed I am. It's a term that I hate to think about and refuse to say I have but I know it's possible. I wouldn't know the difference between feeling depressed and feeling normal. I just feel that how I feel isn't right. I think I'm happy. I love my friends and I have family that I favor but I can't help but feel that my life Isn't in the right place.

You can say I "AM happy but don't FEEL it", If that makes any sense.

At the moment, all I can think about is how I might have a crush on one of my good friends and how much Cause is annoying. My friend is so nice and he is quiet. Which I just realized was my type. I haven't known his family for long but they are wonderful. And I cant help but imagine what it would be like to be with this nice guy and be accepted by his family. My heart had always been full of fantasies and romance. And I can blame Wattpad for that.

Funny how my escape is the cause of my dilemma.

All the stories where one person will like someone else and it turns out that they loved each other all along. And stories where best friends fall in love. Or stories where the one person you least expected to like you, admires you deeply. I loved most of those stories and I still do. But all of these happy ending stories  are stuck in my head and I can't help but picture my life coming to one of these points.

I became desperate for love and it hurts. None of that happens in the real world. I know it but deep down, I want it. So badly. In the real world, boys have the responsibility to ask the girl out but are too shy to confess. Women do ask guys but most of us are just as shy and timid. Most people, guys and girls, are douches who do nothing but play people and search for sex. And sometimes it ends up with someone being pushed to the point where they rather commit suicide or break with no return to their sanity. I don't see the fairness in that.

People will say that I'm just a kid and I shouldn't be looking for love but it doesn't mean that i cant look for someone to be there with me on my every adventure. Some friends aren't close enough to do that with. It is completely possible to be lonely too. I do stand by the prospect that I shouldn't search for love and just let it happen but my heart yearns. As cliche as it sounds.

The worst part is how much I imagine the common cliche in almost every love story. This is what has me realize the most that I am lonely.

I always wonder what people would do or how they would feel if I were to get badly hurt. How my friends would react and if the people I used to know would care or feel anything. Who would cry? Who would mourn? Would anyone even take a moment to pray for or remember me?

I find myself thinking this pretty often and it scares me. I ,of course, don't believe in self harm and I can't even imagine trying to end my life but the more I think about it, the more I think that it is much more beneficial to me. No worries about college. No worries about the condition of the country. No worry about if I am able to pay the bills when I get the chance the move out. More on this subject later.

I scare myself saying/typing all of this. If I were any person just reading this, I'd be concerned. I say that I don't want to hurt myself but I don't sound very convincing. I know. I just want to make the point that I don't see the purpose in life. We live, go to school, work, and sleep and eat, only to pass and eventually be forgotten.

I strive to find someone who loves me. I see that as my goal in exploring happiness. I think that if I possibly experience love, I will know if I only see the world this way because I am a lonely soul.

Am I the only one who imagines themself in a romantic situation in school? Where someone does something romantic for you and its in front of so many people and others are envious and you act shy but love the attention. Is this just because I'm a lonely leo? I feel like I'll never know though.