Midnight thoughts.

Better looking vs other problems...

She's got black eyes and black hair and a well shaped body.She is smart.I am just not stupit.She speaks in public.I can't say a word in front of a crowd.She is a bit fat but beautiful.I am a bit fat and ugly.How could I compare myself to her when I already know she is better than me in every field possible
I assume that you know almost everything about love.So you know how is it to be there for someone 24/7 and at the same time to feel totally useless.
Well that's how I feel right now.When my best friend suffers and I can do nothing to help him.What am I good for? Doesn't he know already that I am there when he needs me? Hadn't I proved him ?
You know what's funny ? That actual problems always seem to be the worst.
When i broke my first phone.I thought i was going to die.
Then when my first dog died i felt  real pain .After that my great grandparents died and it was horrible.Then one of my horses got sick and I was told it has got no chanses.And he got back.He fought and he is alright.
And the last one was the most painfull one.One of the closest people to me got cancer.Stage one but stil cancer.And I thought for the first time  that I want to be in her place.I've never been through hard enough times and obstacles and I deserve to get through this instead of her.I questioned myself:What are all those money in the world good for ,now?Can they bring her health back.
I feel like crying everytime i see her,still thinking about me instead of thinking of herself.
Still repeating the same phrase:What a beautiful and smart grand-daughter I have.Instead of saying "How sick I am".Sometimes I do belive that she is pretending only to protect me.And I can tell.I would rather be poor and happy than rich and empty.Life without my gradma is emptyness for me.
Knowing that one day I would go back home,looking for her,shouting her name and figuring out she isn't there anymore and she won't ever be there again.That kills me,slow and agonising