And then she was gone...

Chapter 1

       

I can't believe she is gone... It has been eight months. Eight freaking months and it still hurts so damn much. She was ripped out of all our lives and she is missed so much by so many. "How are you coping?" Alesha asks but I don't answer... I am too distracted.

I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. "Si you need to get back to your old self... She's been gone eight months. I know its hard but you can't mourn your whole life..." she says and I know she is right.

"It's just too early... I need a bit more time," I say, tears in my eyes. "Simon... We all need you. BGT has to go on and you need to take care of yourself. You haven't eaten in days and showered in weeks," she says and I know she is right.

I have been letting myself go way too much. "I am coming to the BGT auditions," I say and smile at her. "You really do?" she says and squeals excitedly. "Yeah, I really do," I say and she runs away, screaming happily.

I shake my head, laughing. I look back at the photo of Amanda on my desk. She really was the perfect match for me and nobody will ever be able to fill the hole in my heart she left. I can't believe she is gone. It seems like yesterday, she was running around, laughing.

I put the photo down. It's too hard to look at it. Car accident... That's what they called it. By the time they were there the whole car was burnt out and Amanda was dead. I remeber the call this night and how everything from there went down hill.

I look at Paula standing infront of me and she says, "It's hard, isn't it?" I nod my head and burry my face in my hands. "I know exactly how you feel, Si. She'll always be in your heart," she says and hugs me.

"Why did she have to go? I need her," I say and the first tears roll down my cheeks. "Heaven just needed her more than you," she says and I hug her even closer. "But like Alesha said... You can't mourn forever. She wouldn't want that. She always has been a selfless person and wouldn't want you to throw away your whole life," she says and I nod my head.

She wipes away my tears and stands up, walking away. "Thank you," I say and she smiles over her shoulder before she disappears again. I'll never forget her but time will make it easier to think about her.

....

I walk into the BGT studio for the first time since her death and everything reminds me of her. Everywhere are secret places we used to kiss before we got official and they make me want to cry but I am stronger than that. I need to be strong...

I slowly walk towards my dressing room but stop in front of hers. The name on her door wasn't replaced and nobody uses this room anymore. I slowly place my hand under the star with her name written on it...

She has always loved her dressing room. She brought fresh flowers every week and so it smelled like spring all the time. I push down the door handle and look into the dark room. It still smells like spring even though nobody brought flowers...

It smells like her... I turn on the light and look around the decorated room. Nothing has changed in here. Nobody moved a single thing. It looks like she has left it. I feel the tears about to come out and swallow hard.

I walk into the room and look around. Everywhere are pictures of us and the dress she wore on the last final is still hanging in the corner of the room. She loved that dress. I walk over to it and touch the soft silk material.

I smell at it and get the comforting feeling of home, I have missed since she passed away. "I thought I would find you in here," Alesha says and I turn around, looking at her with tears in my eyes. "I miss her, too," she says and hugs me tight.

"It's been hard on all of us, but we need to stay strong now... We need to be there for each other," she says, tears in her eyes. "I know... She would have wanted it  that way," I say and hug her close.

"It just hurts so damn much. I have lost my best friend and big sister. She was always there for me. I don't wanna do all of this without her," she says and for the first time since Amanda's death I see Alesha cry. She has always been the strong one and now she needs me as much as I need her.

"We miss her all Aley... She has been a best friend to all of us, always giving tips and caring way too much. She will always be in our hearts and we will never forget the great human being she was but she wouldn't want us mourning about her death..." I say and she nods slowly.

"You probably are right... I need to go now. Get my hair and make up done," she says and leaves me again. I take a deep breath and walk towards the door. I take a last look at all of the good memories and shut the light off and close the door behind me, heading into the direction of my own dressing room.

BGT will never be the same without her and I will never be the same without her. The night someone took her life because of drunk driving, he took a piece of me too and this piece will never come back to me. It's burried with Amanda.

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Here we go again! My try at getting back to writing about Simanda is starting a new story... again! I hope this works out and I'm not stuck at where I am right now. Hope you guys are still with me!