Playing With Fire

14

I wake up three hours later the contractions starting again. Tears leaking from the corners of my eyes as I start my breathing exercises, but this time was different I could feel the need to push. My hand slams down on the call nurse button as a scream escapes my clenched teeth. God I know they said this was hard but this is the worst experience of my life. I never want to do it again. My hands grip the rails as I try not to push until the doctor comes in.
"Alright Ava, he's starting to crown." Doctor Colbie says Amarissa holding my hand. "Okay I'm gonna cut you and then I need you to push." I nod my okay before sitting up, my hands wrapped around my thighs in the stirrups trying to aid in the punching of the big headed child coming from my loins. Amarissa counts down from ten before I relax. She dabs the cold washcloth on my forehead wiping away the beads of sweat. I try not to think about the fact that Jared's missing the entire thing and focus on birthing our child instead. "Okay give us a good one now Ava." Nodding I sit back up pushing harder when I feel his head break free follows by his shoulders and the rest of his tiny body. A shrill wail leaves the tiny lips of the being that sprang forth from my body. He looked so incredibly tiny as the doctor Colbie hands him to a nurse to clean him up and check all his vitals. "He's big for a baby that's so early Ava." Doctor Colbie reassures. I nod as I watch them with him, his tiny cries echoing throughout the room making my heart wrench in my chest.
"He's beautiful." The nurse says looking at me as she wipes him down. "Lots Of hair, blue eyes." She finishes handing him to me completely bare.
He was only sixteen inches long and four pounds nine ounces but man did it feel nice to have him pressed to my bare chest. His tiny hands gripped for some kind of support, his eyes shut as he cries from his little lips. He did have a full head of hair, dark brown little wisps of matted hair, his skin was still a bit blue and wrinkled. I couldn't help but sob at what I'd done, what I'd created. This was well worth every ounce of pain, every sore cry, every aching muscle and moodswing. This boy was worth everything.
"Have you thought of a name?"
"Ashton Christian Leto."
"Ashton, that's beautiful." The after birthing of the baby was a little different in this case. They couldn't hand him right to me, they had to check his vitals before I got to hold him since he was so early. Doctor Colbie has explained that to me before birth so that I wouldn't be stressed that they weren't handing him to me.
"He seems perfectly fine Ava. He's a strong soul."
"Just like his dad." I shake my head. "Stubborn and strong willed." By now he'd stopped crying and fallen fast asleep.
"We're gonna take him and do his footprints, then we'll bring him back. Are you considering nursing?"
"Yes." I nod handing her Ashton gently.
"Okay, well try when we come back. And can shower and wash up in there." She points off to the right where a bathroom is. Nodding Amarissa helps me stand and wash up, my entire body was still in immense pain and my belly was still swollen. I knew it'd be a while before it went away and I didn't mind I kind of missed him being one with me. To think that he cut our bonding time short hurt me in a sense I never thought I'd feel. When we come back out the beds been stripped and there were clean sheets. Amarissa helps me back into bed and I instantly fall asleep. When I wake up the sun's begun to set on yet another day and Ashton's in a portable cradle beside me.
"Good evening Mrs Leto, would you like to try nursing now." I didn't realize he was moving around until she picked him up, his little hands in booties flinging them around. She hands him to me The enjoyable weight falling onto me once again, his small eyes look up at me with wonder and trust, his hair had dried and was sticking up from him laying down.
"Hi handsome." I smile at him softly. His tongue sticks out before disappearing back behind his tiny little lips.
"He's hungry, he should take up immediately." I nod before repostiting him and myself. It takes a few tries but eventually we get the hang of it and he's nursing from me. I was in heaven, but I couldn't help but wish that Jay was here to share it with me. They send us home once he's had his fill and make his appointment for two weeks to make sure that he's growing at a comfortable rate.
I sit on the edge of the bed in the bassinet, the only thing in the house that we had for him, as he sleeps. I couldn't believe that he was here, sleeping more peacefully than he ever had inside of me. Watching his tiny chest rise and fall at a steady pace made me tired as well, my eyes growing heavy at the thought of sleep. I lay down one hand on the bassinet the other tucked under my head as I drift off to sleep. He sleeps through the night, waking up around five thirty, which I didn't mind, I sit up and feed him, which as he nurses gave me time to read my book. It seemed like the second I changed him he was out like a light again only to have him wake up a few hours later fussing over another messy diaper, this time he won't fall back asleep. I sit beside the swing Amarissa picked up this morning singing to him over the sound of the motor in the swing, which he seemed quite content about until the door flies open.
"Ava!" Panicked he franticly looks around the house, until his eyes fall on me sitting on the couch beside the swing, the back facing him. "Oh Ava baby." He huffs, his eyes puffy with dark rings around them. "I'm so sorry, I- I didn't mean to miss it. I-I tried to get here on time."
"Sh, Jay, it's fine."
"I'm so sorry I missed it, I wish I was with you."
"It's fine." I knew he didn't believe me based on the look on his face, and really it wasn't okay. I needed him but the band needed him just a bit more. "I'm used to doing things alone."
"But you shouldn't be."
"Jay, stop." He leaves the subject alone, looking down at our son instead.
"Hey buddy." He sits on the floor beside the swing, turning it off so he can see Ashton better. "What'd you decide on?"
"Ashton Christopher Leto." I say watch him as he touches Ashton, who was staring at him emotionlessly. He looked almost confused.
"Hi Handsome, god you don't look anything like your mom do you?" He laughs half heartedly, though it was true, he hand my nose and chin and maybe even the shape of my eyes, but his eyes and hair were all Jay. Jay looks up at me still smiling until he really looks at me, reaching up to touch me. "What'd you do to your hair?"
"I needed a change, and having a baby... it's one less thing for him to grab onto." I shrug half heartedly.
"I like it." He smiles at me reassuringly, reaching up to pull me toward him his lips meeting mine softly.
"Well I hope so, it's not like I can get it back." I laugh lightly.
"I missed you baby."
"I missed you too."
"I'm done."
"Huh?" I cock my head to the side curiously as he looks back at Ashton.
"I'm not missing another moment. I'm dropping it. All of it to be with you."
"Jay... you can't do that. You worked too hard for that."
"I don't care, this is where I belong."
"No it's not. I give you permission to leave us."
"Ava I-"
"No, I'm not keeping you from your dreams of being something. I'm not making you choose your family over your career."
"You're not making me do anything."
"Yes I am, I did. When I decided to have Ashton I chose for you, and I won't do that. Go and finish the tour. Your family can wait."
"Ava."
"It's okay." I reassure him. But really it wasn't, because this time instead of curling in on myself, I was going to run. Away from him, from this life, because he deserved to be his own person and not the man he thinks he has to be. I smile at him gently and press my lips to his. He misses his next concert, but before long he's gone again. As Amarissa sleeps that same night I pack my bag and Ashtons and pack them into my Jeep. "I'm sorry." I breathe looking up at the house and really I was, but the thing was Jay played with fire and even when he thought he wasn't being burnt he really was, he was the one who was scorched by the flame though sometimes it felt like I was getting the backlash. I set Ashton in his carseat and start driving. I didn't know where I was going and I didn't care. This life was over for me, for us. As I drive I toss my phone out the window before looking up in my rearview mirror at myself, my dark blue black hair brushing across my cheeks as it blows in the wind. Ashton sleeps silently in the backseat his tiny fists curled around his fuzzy blanket my dad gave him. I slide my engagement ring and wedding band off placing them by the speedometer.
Your life will be different Ashton, but in order for that to happen we have to leave. I hope one day you'll forgive me, but for now I can live with you hating me for the choice I made.
"Lillian Griffin, nice to meet you." I flash the younger man a thousand watt smile before handing him my ID.
"Welcome to Dublin Mrs Griffin."
"Thank you."

THE END