voicemails (a.i.)

four

It was around 1am when Calum found me wandering in the halls in an emotional state. He coaxed me onto the couch next to Luke and I fell asleep shortly after.

-

I wake up and let out a small screech as I find myself with my head on Luke’s chest and his arm wrapped around me. Luke’s eyes snap open and I shove myself off of him. “I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry!” I shout, sobbing at the same time. “It should be me, it should be me in that bed not him! I should have seen it, I should have known that he was having bad days! I shouldn’t have let him leave!” I scream, falling to the floor. “I should be the one dying, not him!” I yell, sobbing, and we all flinch at the word dying.

Luke picks me up off the floor, even though I resist, and puts me back on the couch. He sits next to me and takes my hand. “Now, you listen to me. None of us knew this was going to happen, none of this is your fault babygirl. That boy, right there,” he points to Ashton, “Loves you more than anything else in the whole world. Do you know what today is? It’s your birthday Hayles. For the last six months  he’s been recording stuff everyday for you. Sometimes it’s just him talking, other times it’s a song, sometimes it’s just him singing. I don’t really know what’s on it. We’ve been helping him out though, that’s what all those band “practices” have been. I know it’s cheesy but you know Ashton. He’s the cheesiest 19 year old on the planet.” Luke says, hinting at a smile. “Here.” he says handing me an old ipod classic with a pair of headphones attached to it. “He wasn’t done with it quite yet but I wanted you to have it now. Maybe it will help you out. I have to go,” Luke says turning to Michael, “Call me if anything happens. Right away.” he exhales as he lets go of my hand and pushes himself up, he walks to Ashton’s bedside and stands there briefly before leaving.

I turn to Calum. “Calum, I’m so sor-” he shakes his head. “You don’t have anything to apologize for Hayley. It’s okay.”

An awkward silence settles between Michael, Calum and I. Ashton always filled the gaps for us, always cracking jokes or laughing at nothing, even just having him next to me in situations like this transformed the silence from awkward to comfortable. Eventually it’s Calum who breaks it. “I’m gonna make a coffee run, anyone want?” He asks. I nod.

“I’ll tag along, and give you some time alone.” Michael says and they leave.

I tug the itchy blanket that the hospital provided over my shoulders and plop myself into the chair at Ashton’s bedside. I put the headphones Luke gave me in my ears and switch on the ipod. It takes a while to turn on but when it finally does my eyes locate the item at the top of the list instantly. It’s called “play me first” so I click on it. Ashton’s voice rings into my ears.

“Hi babe, happy birthday! The boys have been helping me with this for months and I can’t wait to give it to you next week!” I start crying listening to him act like he’s ok. “Anyway, some of these are covers and some of them aren’t. Most are acoustically recorded by us as a band but there are a few in here that are just me singing. I hope you love it. I loved making it for you. Happy birthday Hayles! I love you more than anything else in the world. One day we can get out of here together, just you and me. We can go to Europe, buy a car and road trip everywhere. We can go wherever you want, just say the words. I love you so much, don’t you ever forget that.” The recording finishes with Ashton laughing and then the first few chords of Wherever You Are start playing, and I only make it halfway through the song before I have to pause it and take the headphones out.

I reach over and take Ashton’s hand, bringing it to my lips and kissing it before laying my head on the bed next to it.

“I love you, Ashton Irwin.” I whisper.