After a long day, it's not the feeling over all the work accomplished; the interactions, the laughs, the smiles. No, it's the feeling of the work that has yet to be completed, the exhaustion of barely making it through the day, and the realization that it'll all repeat tomorrow.
They finally were able to retreat to their thoughts with the aid of music to help them tune off the real world and its problems. The car ride allowed them to rethink previous interactions with friends, how it could have went versus how it did go. What could have been said or done, and the like.
It was raining, and watching it pour down rhythmically was calming after a Monday that seemed to drag by. It allowed them to get lost in their own vivid fantasies they kept tucked within their mind, giving them a break from their realities.
They stared out the window, looking past the glass covered in droplets from the current shower, at the landscape they past by. Then they focused on the glass itself, the outside blurred and rain drops obscured their view.
Some days it was like this. The world demanded so much and yet they had so little energy to manage with. It was worse at home, when they couldn't be distracted from their thoughts, that they felt weak and exhausted. Their friends kept them going, even if very few people were classified as that. But at the same time, those same friends made them feel stuck.
They wanted nothing more than to sleep; there was an amazing thing of feeling nothing. No stress, no deadlines, no worries of the present and future, no emotions. But they knew the pain they'd cause those who they were close with. It made them irrationally hate the close attachments they've made at this point, because people cared when they shouldn't. They never understood why people cared for them, but hypocritically, they cared so much for their friends and their well-beings.
•🌸•
I actually hate making close friends. Not just because I'm too socially awkward to do so, or because I'm scared they will backstab and leave me, but because I'll never get used to having to put work in keeping the friendship.
It sounds so stupid and it's like I'm saying that I'm too lazy to want to have friends. But that's not the case. It's because some days I just don't want to talk to anyone, or some days I just want to leave. And I can't, because I have people I care too much about, and knowing they care about me too hurts. I'm a weird person, I am so distant from keeping friendships even if I do tell secrets to people that would seem like we are super close.
In all honesty, I could drop every friendship I had in a split second and not feel remorse. I hate that I can do that, but it's who I am and I know that makes me an asshole. But I'm always scared that one day, it'll happen between me and you because when I start getting too close to someone, I can't handle it.
It sometimes drains me to keep connections like that, to the point where I make rash decisions and just stop talking to close friends completely. They didn't do anything wrong, it's me. And that makes me feel like biggest piece of shit on Earth, especially when I randomly disappear without saying a word.
Sometimes I hate myself for making that promise to you that I wouldn't leave you. I only did it to make you happy because to be completely honest, I thought what we would have had would've been a simple friendship. And now that it's not, I can't help but hate myself even more because although I really enjoy our friendship, I feel stuck.
Most times though, I feel depressed that I have someone who genuinely wants to be my friend, and I just can't fucking be there for them. You mean so much to me and I feel so close to you, that I don't want to lose you. I wish I could understand why I'm like this, and maybe this can soften the pain if I ever do up and leave because you'll understand it's not you.
