my jewel ; junhao

o n e ; jun

There he is. He's eating with Seungkwan and other random people who suddenly became insignificant. I always find myself looking for him. I look for those plump lips, those mischievous eyes, his tall and lanky frame. They're addicting to look at. And that's all I get to do. Look.

"Look." I avert my eyes, but I don't want to. "See? This is the shirt I want for dance, but everyone else thinks it's tacky and too expensive. What do you think?" I love Chan, I do, but the little prepubescent three year old is interrupting my watch time. I sigh to myself as I say it in my head. I sound like a fucking stalker. Maybe I am.

I look up again at Chan and tell him, "Who cares what other people think? If you like it and you know you'll use it for a while then buy it." I'm a hypocrite, telling him not to care about what other people think. I was always the one who cared to much. That's why we don't talk anymore.

    I go back to looking at him, but he still isn't there. I sulk for a second and will myself to look up at Chan. "Y'know, that shirt is super expensive. How are you gonna pay for it?" I smirk. "Maybe you'll ask your sugar daddy?"

    He blushes brightly, rambling on about how that's not the case and how he doesn't even know where to get one, and I laugh loudly. Half the table looks over at us, including Seungcheol, and some other people passing by. I look up and make eye contact with him and suddenly I feel shameful. How could I be so happy and carefree when I know how much I hurt him? I sober up and look down.

    "Jun, that was mean!" I hear Seungcheol scold me. "But he makes a good point Chan. The shirt is pretty expensive . . . are you sure you have enough money for it?" He's always concerned about Chan. I'm certain they like each other. I heard so from Jeonghan. I smile again just from the looks they have in their eyes.

    They continue talking about it and I start talking to Mingyu. "Hey," he says suddenly. "I've been meaning to ask if you could tutor Minghao again. His grades have been slipping and he seems more tired lately, probably from late night studying." I stare stunned at him.

    I wait before saying, "Gyu, you know why I stopped. He . . . it was too much, and I don't know if I can do it again. I don't even know if he'll want to do that again." I try to think of more excuses, more reasons as to why I can never talk to him ever again. But I want to. I want to so, so badly that it almost hurts.

    "He needs it Jun! He's had tutors before, but you've been the best so far! I know you know how his grades were when you first started. He had almost all C's but when you finished he had almost all perfect A's! Please, man, he needs this."

    Damn. I can't say no to that, can I? I nod my head and he hugs me tightly, thanking me far too much. I look over to him and I see he's looking back. I smile. He smiles too. Maybe this won't be so terrible after all.

—————————

"Hey Minghao! Mingyu told me you needed help with math again, so here I am! Jeez, and here I thought I taught you well enough for you to keep those A's!" I stare in the mirror and it sucks seeing how cheesy I look. I sigh and rub the back of my neck knowing that that approach, along with the other ten, was shit. I've been practicing what I'd say to him for forever and I just . . . don't know. We haven't talked in so long. It feels almost impossible. Almost.

It dawns on me that I have his number and a huge wave of relief washes over me as I realize I don't have to say this in person. I unlock my phone and search for his name, hoping I didn't delete it accidentally. Just when I think it's not there I see it. Those beautiful Chinese characters that spell out his name. I click on it and type out my message. I reread it three times before sending it.

Me
hey it's jun. mingyu told me that
you needed a tutor again? im happy
to help if you want!^^
Delivered

I wait for what feels like hours even though I know it was only a few minutes before getting a reply.

徐明浩♡ (AN: it says Xu Minghao btw)
Oh um hey...
He told you that? When?
Read 15:27

I smile. He still writes like he used to, the same as how he talks.

Me
at lunch today
he said your grades were slipping
and asked me to help you out
Read 15:29

徐明浩♡
Oh... well yeah my grades could
be better... but you don't have to
if you don't want to!
Read 15:30

I type out, "of course i want to!" but quickly delete it.

Me
why would i not want to?
Read 15:38

徐明浩♡
I don't know.
Why did you quit the last time?
Read 15:40

There it is. That strike of pain that feels like my heart is being ripped in half. That gut wrenching feeling that only he can cause. Those tears I didn't know would slip out from seeing seven words. I told myself I had to stop tutoring him because I was feelings things for him I shouldn't be feeling and that if I got any closer I'd hurt him and drive him away. It's what always happens.

But I know that's not the only reason. I was scared. I was scared of him being disgusted. I was scared that our relationship would never be the same. I was scared that he'd say something like, "I've actually already found my soulmate . . . sorry." I was scared. And I still am.

Me
that was.. for personal reasons.
it had nothing to do with you, it
was just something i was dealing
with. im sorry.
Read 15:46

徐明浩♡
It's... it's okay. I understand.
Do you still wanna tutor me? Even
though you have "personal
problems"?
Read 15:46

Me
yeah of course! ive gotten over that
stuff so it's all good!
when should we start?
im free right now if you wanna
come over?
Read 15:48

徐明浩♡
Right now?? Uhh, sure if you don't
mind.
Do you want me to bring anything
specific? Like a certain subject?
Read 15:49

Me
yeah bring whatever you need the
most help with.
Read 15:52

徐明浩♡
Okay, on my way!
Read 15:52

I didn't realize it, but my tears had dried and my smile had grown. The affect he has on me, I swear.

——
was this cute enough?? idk i feel like it's hard for me to write junhao