my jewel ; junhao

f o u r ; minghao

    My mind races almost as quickly as my feet. As I pace around my room, I think back to what I said to Junhui and I want to be run over by a car. I know I told him I'd tell him something special, that I'd finally tell him that I know we're soulmates, but I can't. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. What if he hates me? He hates being neglected and left out, yet I've kept such an incredible secret from him. What if my Jewel becomes black again? What if I never get my soulmate? What if he hates me?

    I rush to the bathroom. The smell of vomit fills the air and all I can wonder is how I'm going to air it out before he comes. I flush the toilet and wash my hands. I asked my friends what to do and they all said this would be better than never telling him.

"I can't imagine how I'd feel if my soulmate never told me they knew . . . I think it's better to tell them as soon as possible." Though I never told them the scenario was about Junhui and me, my friends helped me so much while I was deciding what to do. Still, it hurt to hear what some of them had to say in the process.

Thirty minutes later, as I continue fanning the putrid smell of vomit out of my dorm, I hear three loud knocks at my door. "Shit," I curse as I turn off the fans I have running before I hurry to the door, not wanting to seem suspicious.

I open the door and for a split second, as Junhui stands at the door with messy hair and casual clothes, I'm careless. There's no guilt building up inside of me for not telling him. There's no fear that he'll reject me completely. There's no anticipation for how he'll respond. There's only Junhui. Junhui.

"Hao? You good?" he asks, more as a joke than a serious question. I nod and let him in, the terror of the situation settling in. I can't look at him. If I look at him, I'll cry.

I lead him into the living room, praying he doesn't notice any strange smells. We sit down, and talk for a bit, and I feel so terrible not being able to look at him. He seems so happy. I can't bare to see him any other way, much less at the cause of me.

"So what was that special thing you wanted to tell me?" Though I can't see his face, I know he's smirking. He's always loved teasing me. If this goes poorly, he'll never use that cheeky smile to tease me again. He won't even look at me again.

The mere thought of not having Junhui in my life sends tears down my cheeks. They're soft at first, like the raindrops on a cloudy day, sprinkling gently at first before turning into a storm. He rushes to me, asking me what's wrong, but I all I can do is sob, incoherent noises coming out of my mouth. He keeps holding me, telling me that I'm okay, that he's there. I only cry harder, my body shaking with tremendous guilt.

I can't express in words how terrible it feels to be in a situation like this. To even know who your soulmate is is such a privilege and such a gift in and of itself. I've kept such a wonderful thing from Junhui for so long. I've betrayed him. I've betrayed him and he'll never talk to me again. This may sound dramatic, but when you have someone in your life who you feel, who you know, is made for you, how can you even fathom the thought of rejection from them? How can you stand to live with yourself if you know that you'll never get to be with them again? That's why I kept the secret from him.

As long as he didn't know and as long as he thought I didn't know, everything would be fine. I never wanted to hurt him. I love him. I love Junhui more than anyone else. I guess the thought of losing him was more scary to me than the consequences of keeping it a secret for even longer. Isn't that funny? I only kept the secret for so long because I thought he'd be mad when I told him the truth, that I was keeping it a secret. I guess my brain and logic have failed me once more.

After countless minutes of me sobbing in his arms, it feels like there aren't any more tears left inside of me. I gently push him away as I wipe my face. I hate him seeing me like this. I want to run to my room, but I know he'll follow me. He's too kind to leave me by myself.

He reaches for my hand and holds it softly in his. Maybe he's scared I'll break. "Please, Minghao," he pleads, "please tell me what's wrong." The emotions coursing through his eyes almost distract me from his own tears, and I know. I know that if I don't tell him now, I know that if I wait any longer, I'll only hurt the both of us more. I don't really mind the ache or pain I'd feel, but, as is clear by now, I love Junhui too much to do any more damage to him than I've already done. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves the truth.

"I . . . I've kept a secret from you." I want to tell him that he's partially at fault, that it was him who decided to wear low cut shirts, that it was him who didn't care to hide it, that it was him who stopped talking to me, that it was him who left me before I could tell him. But I know that his Jewel and his departure were not the reason I kept my mouth shut. "Please don't be angry . . . ."

    "Why would I be angry?" Even now, his words are smooth and soft, but I can hear something in his voice. I don't know what it is, but the sound makes me want to rip my ears off. It's like pain, but so much worse. I hate it.

I calm myself. I take a deep, shaky breath. "We're soulmates."

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this is a really short chapter but it felt wrong to do anything more... sorry you have to wait so long to see how jun reacts but uhh idk i hope the anticipation makes it worth it!! btw ill try to update twice a week for a little so that i can catch up and like make up for lost time