DIARY OF A YOUTH

Passion?

HERE I'M STANDING WITH A KNIFE IN MY HAND, CONVINCING MYSELF TO CUT MY NERVES AND END THIS MISERABLE LIFE. YOU MUST BE WONDERING, WHAT REALLY HAPPENED WHICH MADE ME THINK OF KILLING MYSELF? WELL MY ANSWER IS 'I DON'T KNOW!' , NO, I'M NOT LYING, 'I REALLY DON'T KNOW'; ALL I KNOW IS, I WANT TO GET RID OF THESE DEEP SAD FEELING, WANTS TO GET RID OF BEING EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED, WANTS TO GET RID OF FEELING LIKE A LOSER AND EMBRACE THE PEACE FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL. LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE DAY WHEN MY LIFE GOT UPSIDE DOWN, TO THE DAY WHEN I REALISED HOW TIME IS RUNNING. I'M A STUDENT, AND I KNOW WHAT YOUR QUESTNON WOULD BE, 'WHY A STUDENT WOULD WISH TO KILL HERSELF?' I'LL TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO PASSION AND I FEEL I HAVE NOTHING IMPORTANT TO DO AND THERE IS TOO MUCH PREASSURE FROM EVERYONE AROUND ME.WE MISS OUR CHILDHOOD DAYS THE MOST BUT IRONICALLY OUR LIFE STARTED BEING CHAOTIC FROM OUR CHILDHOOD DAYS. A LAYER OF CHAOS AFTER LAYER OF CHAOS MADE YOU A PERSON WITH TOO MANY INSECURITIES, TOO MUCH CONFUSION, TOO MUCH GREED AND TOO MUCH SADNESS TO HANDLE. REMEMBER THE DAY WHEN PEOPLE AROUND US ASKED, 'WHAT WE WANT TO BE, WHEN WILL BE A GROWN UP?' THAT WAS THE FIRST LAYER OF OUR CHAOS. YOU MIGHT WONDER HOW? WELL THAT WAS THE FIRST EVER STEP TO DREAM TO BE SOMEONE IN THE SOCIETY. THAT'S HOW! YOU KNOW WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE USED TO GET APPRECIATION, FOR EVERYTHING WE DID FROM EVERYONE, OUR RELATIVES, NEIGHBOURS, PARENTS, TEACHERS AND NOW, WHEN WE NEED APPRECIATION THE MOST, THEN WHY DO WR RECEIVE CRITICISM INSTEAD? IN LIFE THERE ARE ALWAYS TWO TYPE OF 'BUTS'; A GOOD 'BUT' AND A BAD 'BUT', WHICH ALWAYS TURNS INTO A DECISION MAKER OF OUR LIFE. EVERYONE APPRECIATED US FOR OUR SKILLS WHICH HELPED US TO GAIN CONFIDENCE, BUT OUR PARENTS TOLD US HOW THEY HAVE EXPECTATION FROM US, THE DAY WHEN OUR PARENTS TOLD US HOW BEING A DOCTOR OR AN ENGINEER HAVE A VAST SCOPE IN FUTURE, WHEN OUR PARENTS TOLD US THEIR STORY ABOUT HOW THEY WISHED TO GET AN EDUCATION AND BE A DOCTOR OR AN ENGINEER IN THIER CHILDHOOD DAYS, HOW OUR MOTHER COULDN'T STUDY BECAUSE OUR OLD SOCIETY WAS TOO CRUEL TO LET A WOMAN STUDY AND ALLOW HER TO LIVE, HOW OUR FATHER COULDN'T FOLLOW HIS DREAM BECAUSE BY THE TIME HE WAS IN HIS EARLY 20s, HE ALREADY HAD TOO MANY RESPONSIBLITIES ON HIS SHOULDER TO LET HIM FOLLOW HIS DREAM, HOW THEY STRUGGLED AND SACRIFICED SO MUCH, SO THAT WE CAN HAVE ALL THE LUXURY THEY COULDN'T, THEY ALWAYS GIVES US EVERYTHING WE ASKED FOR BUT THEY DO EXPECT GOOD GRADES, ONLY GOOD GRADES AND NOT FOR THEMSELVES, BUT FOR US, SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A BRIGHT FUTURE WHERE WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO STRUGGLE, AND THAT BECAME, OUR SECOND LAYER OF CHAOS. I'M SURE, YOU HAVE A 'HOW' AGAIN! WELL WE STARTED FEELING SAD AND GUILT FOR OUR PARENTS, FOR US THEY GAVE UP SO MUCH, SO WE MADE OUR PARENTS OUR FIRST PRIORITY WHICH LED US TO CONCENTRATE ONLY AND ONLY ON STUDIES AND LED US TO GIVE UP ON SPORTS AND ART, SO, THAT WE CAN BE AN ENGINEER OR A DOCTOR ONE DAY, TO MAKE OUR PARENTS FEEL PROUD AND HAPPY, AND TO MAKE THEIR DREAM COME TRUE. THAT'S HOW! THE THIRD LAYER OF CHAOS IS LIKE A HURRICANE, ALWAYS BRINGS DESTRUCTION, THIS THIRD LAYER IS THE SOCIETY. THE SOCIETY HAVE CREATED A FALSE IMAGE OF SUCCESS AND BEAUTY, WHICH SADLY HAVE TAKEN A TOLL ON OUR LIFE, SPECIALLY THE BEAUTY STANDARD, HOW EVERYTHING IS ALL ABOUT BEAUTY, HOW THERE IS NO VALUE FOR DIFFERENT TYPE OF BEAUTY, HOW ONLY SPECIFIC TYPE OF BEAUTY IS BEAUTY. 'THE YOUNGER, THE BETTER'; IS THE SOCIETIES MOTTO, THEIR SLOGAN. HOW YOU SHOULD ACHIEVE EVERYTHING BY YOUR 20s, HOW HAVING A HUGE HOUSE AND EXPENSIVE CAR, IN SHORT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE AND HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE IS ONLY AN ACHIEVEMENT AND NOT LEADING A SIMPLE OR PASSIONATE LIFE IS. MY QUESTION IS WHEN AND HOW THIS 'FAME', 'BEAUTY' AND 'MONEY' BECAME LIFE?, WHY IS IT RUINING OUR PEACE? WHY WE ARE LETTING IT? , WHY WE ARE LETTING 'GREED' BE THE WINNER OF OUR EVERY EMOTION? WELL, SOMEHOW WE CONVINICED OURSELF TO NOT TO CARE ABOUT THIS SOCIETY, AND ALLOWED OURSELF TO LIVE OUR LIFE BASED ON OUR OWN TERMS BUT NO, THERE CAME ANOTHER CHAOS, THIS CHAOS IS A WEIRD ONE, THIS ONE IS GOOD AS WELL AS BAD. THIS ONE IS INTERNET, SOCIAL SITES. THE ERA WE ARE LIVING IS AN ERA OF INTERNET AND SOCIAL SITES. WE ALL KNOW HOW BENEFICIAL INTERNET IS. 'ARTIST CAN'T LIVE ON THANKYOU AND FAVOURS', SO INTERNET GAVE US A PLATFORM TO EXPRESS OURSELVES, OUR TALENT AND WE GOT AN OPPURTUNITY TO LIVE OUR PASSION AND EARN; 'THE POWER OF INTERNET CAN BRING JUSTICE', BECAME A POWERFUL MOTTO OF THIS ERA. BUT EVERY GOOD THING DOESN'T STAY LONG SO THIS GOOD THING BOUGHT CONS, THIS GOOD THING TURNED INTO A FAKE LIFE WHICH STARTED DOMINATING OUR REAL LIFE, SOCIAL SITES BECAME A TREND, PEOPLE BECAME FAMOUS AND INTERNET STARTED GIVING BAD VIBES. WHEN AND HOW INTERNET STARTED BEING MISUSED? HOW I BECAME TOO OLD FOR INTERNET? HOW NOT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP BECAME A BIG DEAL? HOW AND WHEN EVERYONE AROUND ME STARTED BEING DEPRESS AND SAD? WHILE STANDING IN MY ROOM WITH A KNIFE, THINKING ABOUT ALL THESE CHAOS, RAISED TOO MANY QUESTION IN MY MIND, WHOM WE SHOULD BLAME? (1) THOSE PEOPLE WHO ASKED US, 'WHAT WE WANT TO BE IN THE FUTURE?' THEY PATTED OUR BACK AND TOLD US TO FOLLOW OUR DREAM BUT WHY THEY NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THE DIFFICULTIES, ABOUT THE CRITICISM WE WILL RECEIVE, ABOUT NEPOTISM, ABOUT THE ONE WITH MONEY WILL ALWAYS HAVE FIRST SEAT, BUT THE ONE'S WHO DESERVES AND DID HARD WORK WON'T GET THE PLACE THEY DESERVE? WHY THEY DIDN'T TELL US, THAT ALL THIS WILL LEAVE US WITH A BROKEN DREAM? BUT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN, DIDN'T THEY ALL DO THE RIGHT THING BY NOT LETTING US KNOW ABOUT THESE CRUEL WORDS WHICH WOULD DESTROY OUR DAYS? ISN'T CHILDHOOD IS HEAVEN FOR US BECAUSE WE WERE INNOCENT SOUL AND IT WOULD BE TOO CRUEL TO DESTROY A CHILD INNOCENCE? (2) SHOULD WE BE BLAMING OUR RELATIVES, OUR SIBLINGS, OUR PARENTS TO ALLOW US, ENCOURAGED US TO DREAM AN UNREAL THING BUT NEVER MENTORED US WHEN THE TIME CAME, INSTEAD THEY BECAME UNEXPECTEDLY PRACTICAL AND SIMPLY TOLD US TO STOP DREAMING; THAT WR ARE BEING NAIVE AND STUPID TO DREAM, TOLD US TO DO SOMETHING WHICH WILL HELP US TO HAVE A SECURE LIFE. BUT WE NEVER WANTED A SECURE LIFE, WE ALWAYS DREAMT TO LIVE A PASSIONATE LIFE. JUST SECURITY, THAT'S ALL LIFE IS ABOUT? I THOUGHT AS A CHILD AND PRE-TEEN, LIFE IS MORE THAN JUST A SECURITY! WHEN THEY SIMPLY WANTED US TO GIVE UP, THEN WHY EVEN ALLOWED US TO DREAM AND ENCOURAGED US ON THE FIRST PLACE? LIFE IS A GIFT, WHICH WE SHOULD LIVE WITH HAPPINESS, BUT SADLY NOW THIS SOUNDS TOO UNREAL TO BELIEVE. BUT THEN AGAIN, HOW IS THAT THEIR FAULT? DIDN'T THEY DO THE RIGHT THING BY NOT LETTING US SEE THE CRUELTY, THEY WERE JUST PROTECTING US FROM THIS CRUELTY AND THAT IS WHAT PARENTS DO, DON'T THEY? THEY STRUGGLED AND SUFFERED BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T STUDY AND HAVE A SECURE FUTURE AND THEY SIMPLY DON'T WANT US TO HAVE THE SAME FATE AS THEM. (3) OR SHOULD WE BE BLAMING OUR SOCIETY AND SOCIAL SITES, FOR SPREADING SO MUCH NEGATIVITY TO THE POINT WHERE IT HAS BECOME HARD TO BREATHE AND STARTED SUFFOCATING US. BUT, WHY ARE WE EVEN LETTING THESE PITY THINGS BOTHER US AND ALLOWING US TO SUFFER BY THESE FAKE THINGS. (4) OR I SHOULD BE BLAMING ME?, FOR BEING SO WEAK TO GIVE UP? I HAVE HEARD 20s IS YOUR GOLDEN YEARS OF YOUR LIFE, YOU EXPLORE AND LEARN AND HAS A CLEAR VISION OF WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, THEN WHY IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE GOLDEN YEARS BUT MORE LIKE BLACK YEARS OF MY LIFE? THEY SAID IN YOUR 20s YOU ACHIEVE WHAT YOU WISH TO HAVE AND START YOUR CAREER IN YOUR 20s, THEN WHY DO I FEEL I'M TOO LATE TO LEARN AND EXPLORE, AND WHY THOSE SAME PEOPLE ARE TELLING ME, IT'S LATE TO LEARN WHEN I'M FINALLY IN MY 20s? THEY SAY, IT'S JUST A PHASE, BUT NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE SAD ALL THE TIME WHICH HAS LED ME TO DEPRESSION AND IGNORE THIS JUST BECAUSE IT'S A 'PHASE'. I WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE AS MUCH AS I CAN AND WANT TO BE HAPPY AND WANTS TO HAVE A SMILE ALL THE TIME YET I'M LETTING MYSELF BEING BOTHERED? I'M CONFUSED AND SAD, TRYING HARD TO REACH MY GOALS YET IT SEEMS TOO FAR.-SWEETY, DINNER IS READY!; HERE CAME MY MOTHER'S SWEET, ANGELIC VOICE. I LEFT THE KNIFE ON BED AND WENT TO DINNING ROOM, MY PARENTS AND SIBLINGS ARE ALREADY SEATED, CHIT-CHATTING HAPPILY. ISN'T THIS ALL LIFE IS ABOUT? FAMILY, A HOME?, WHERE YOU HAVE PARENTS WHO POURS OUT ALL THE LOVE THEY HAVE ON YOU, SIBLINGS WHO IS YOUR CRIME-IN-PARTNER WHICH MADE LIFE MORE INTERESTING? FRIENDS WHOM YOU CAN TRUST AND BE HONEST WITH AND DO ALL THE CRAZY THINGS? THEN HOW CAN I BE SO SLEFISH TO EVEN TO THINK OF TAKING THIS LIFE AWAY? WOULDN'T THAT HAVE BOUGHT ANOTHER LAYER OF CHAOS IN MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS LIFE? WHEN BRINGING HAPPINESS IN MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS LIFE BECAME MY LAST PRIORITY? WOULDN'T I HAVE BOUGHT ONLY SADNESS IN THEIR LIFE BY TAKING SUCH CHEAP ACTION? DIDN'T WE DREAMT ONE DAY TO HAVE A JOB, TO TELL OUR PARENTS THAT THEY DID ENOUGH AND NOW IT'S OUR TURN TO TAKE CARE OF THEM? DIDN'T WE ALL DREAMT TO BE TRAVELLING AND EXPLORING AND PARTYING AND BE ALL COOL AND THAT WILL BE THE TRUE ENJOYMENT OF OUR LIFE? THEN WHY AND WHEN THE TIME CAME, I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY OF IT? WHY AM I HERE SITTING, WISHING FOR MY SCHOOL DAYS TO BE BACK? WHY I WANT TO BE THAT CHILD AGAIN WHO CAN DREAM ANYTHING AND WILL NOT BE PREASSURED TO SETTLE? WHY AND WHEN DREAMING BECAME MORE FUN THAN TAKING ACTIONS TO MAKE OUR DREAM COME TRUE? WHILE SITTING HERE, I WONDER WHAT THIS WORLD WOULD LOOK LIKE IF WE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ENCOUNTERED WITH THIS HARSH TRUTH OF LIFE? HOW IT WOULD FEEL TO FEEL THE SUMMER WHICH WOULD AGAIN BRING THE SAME JOY AND EXCITEMENT LIKE OLD TIMES? I KNOW I SOUND TOO NAIVE AND KIDDISH, BECAUSE ALL THAT SOUND IS JUST A FAIRY-TAIL AND THIS IS NO FAIRY-TAIL. WE SADLY MISS OUR PAST SO MUCH THAT IT HAS MADE US TO FORGET TO LIVE OUR PRESENT. WHY WE ARE FORGETTING THE FACT THAT WE LIVED OUR PAST AND NOW WE ARE NOT LIVING OUR PRESENT. IT JUST SCARES ME ABOUT THE FACT THAT I'M NOMORE A KID BUT AN ADULT WHO HAS TO BE RESPONSIBLE. I KNOW I SOUND TOO WEAK TO BE SACRED TO BE AN ADULT AND THAT SOUNDS STUPID TOO. CHANGE IS THE NATURE OF LIFE BUT THIS IS THE ONLY NATURAL THING I DREAD AND HATE THE MOST! I REALLY DO WONDER HOW IT WOULD FEEL TO SIMPLY LIVE THE LIFE AND NOT STRUGGLE TO LIVE? AT THE MOMENT, I'M CLUELESS ABOUT ALL THESE QUESTIONS, JUST LIKE HOW I HAVE BEEN THESE PAST FEW YEARS. ALL I KNOW, IS WE YET HAVE TO SEE WHERE THIS LIFE WILL LEAD US TO.